3 Tips for Proper Sexting. HINT: Stop Sending Pics of Your Boner, Anthony Weiner
So yeah. Have you heard about this Weiner thing? No, not that one, THIS one.
After a week of U.S Rep. Anthony Weiner denying he sent a young nubile the boner photos in question - but NOT denying that the swollen junk in his tightie gray-ies was his - more photos emerged from the Twitterverse and he realized it wasn't worth pretending the beak nose and pointy chin didn't belong to him.
And this morning thoughtful blogger Andrew Breitbart let the fully monty out on the Opie & Anthony show, a full-on (but blurry thank god - we're gearing up for lunch) boner photo taken from the under-balls angle.
It's possible that Weiner, his reps, and his ladyfriends in question missed our series of Sexting 101 posts, and most definitely didn't learn a thing or three from Kanye West's, Brett Favre's, Chris Brown's or [insert female celebutard name here] text faux-pas.
So we thought we'd offer some tips that U.S. politicians, do-nothings with big boobs who wanna be famous, and essentially any human with opposable thumbs and unlimited texting should take to heart.
1. Boner photos don't cut the mustard. It's science. A 2006 study conducted at Washington University School of Medicine in St. Louis challenged the assumption that men respond differently to erotic imagery than women. Seeing a photo of a giant, hard dick might turn women on initially, but the physical and mental stimulation changes as they process the visual.
Get it right the first time.
Researchers measured brainwave activity of 264 women as they were shown 55 different images depicting all kinds of randomness, from angry dogs to sexy couples. Their synapses fired about 20 percent faster when the erotic imagery flashed before their eyes - confirmation of stimulus.
And then that electrical activity, called event-related potentials (or ERPs), dissipated as the signals were sent to the different parts of the brain responsible for processing sexual imagery. That is where the difference between the way men and women react to words vs. photos begins.
So Jessica sending Jimbo a photo of her whale tale or even a sultry squint can spark a chub. That doesn't mean the same will do the trick for the ladies - but not because it doesn't turn us on. Read more here.
2. Tell us what you want. Don't show us what you have. Let us know you're horny by telling us what you want to do. Not by showing us your boner.
So guys, please don't send spontaneous photos of your abs and for the love of Pete keep your iPhone out of your pants. Refer to Diagram A.
Instead think of how William Shakespeare or even Christopher Pike (depending on your literary level) would have sexted his main squeeze. Refer to Diagram B.
Because at the end of the day, the penis/ball combo often resembles some kind of deep sea creature or rainforest tree growth and if ladies are gearing up to get hot and bothered, they don't want to see what creature he's got lurking in his jeans.
Not at first, at least. Women's imaginations are their ultimate sex toy, one reason why literary erotica is still going strong in our image- and visual-driven society. Describing the scene, rather than posting a photo depicting the act, gives women control over the situation.
3. Don't piss the recipient off. Sexting is a fun way to pass the time and sexercise your wits. But keep in mind that the receiving end might actually be hot and bothered and ready to take things from e-foreplay to IRL-fornication the next time you cross paths.
Because the Internet is a wondrous place full of naughty nooks and carnal crannies, and one swift click of a mouse can be his or her best revenge and the bane of your existence. Don't risk ruining your life - think before you press "Send."
And for Pete's sake, figure out the difference between DM and @ on Twitter. You'll do us all a huge favor. (Weiner.)