Cosmopolitan's Sex Tips From Guys - Deciphered & Explained by a Real Man

Nicki Minaj sure as hell isn't writing these tips.

There's plenty of sex advice out there for women. In fact, Cosmo, a bible for some women, has a column called "Sex Tips From Guys." Unfortunately, as a man, I can tell you that this column isn't written by men.

They come from the editors of Cosmo and that's not going to get you anywhere as a woman. Consider this our public service. We're going to tell you what's really up with this unfortunate charade.

Tip No. 1
"I can't be the only guy who loves when a woman licks that soft patch of skin in front of my ears." - Jamie, 23

The real deal: No, Jamie, you're not, but no real man is aware there's a soft patch in front of his ear. Moreso, no man would actually say this unless he's deeply tuned into his feminine side. Elbow deep.

Our take: Working the ears in when you're kissing is good, so long as they're comfortable with it. It's an oft-ignored part of the face, but don't overdo it. Feel free to go there, just be responsive to your partner's reaction and adapt accordingly.

Don't force it, don't give us a wet willy with your tongue, and definitely don't ask us where the soft part our ear is. We don't know.

Watch your hands, ladies.

The real deal: Hahahahahahahahahaha! This is perfect proof that women make this shit up.

Our take: If a woman ever holds my head when I'm kissing her, there's something wrong. I'm a man. I do the head-holding. Feel free to put your hand on my back or my neck, even forcefully to show me you're into it.

But if you hold my head, I think you think you're making out with a woman.

Tip No. 3
"Wet your lips and moan that you can't wait to taste me." - Sam, 22

The real deal: OK, fine. You can do this. "Sam" is not 22, though. And he doesn't even know if you came or not.

Our take: Go ahead. Any form of dirty talk, for the most part, is not only acceptable but encouraged. Not enough women are open enough to say what they want. Tell us what turns you on. Unless you're with a meathead, it will be appreciated. We don't have vaginas, so spit it out.

Unless we don't care, we'll take care of it...or at least do our best. Also, never say something like the above "tip" unless you're prepared to deliver.