4 Sexy Things Cleaner, Less Expensive Than Going to Coachella

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Bummed? Here's something to take your mind off it...

So Coachella weekend 1 sold out milliseconds after its 10 a.m. open sale time today, and weekend 2 will likely be squeezed dry within the next few days. Unexpected? Nope.

But if you're one of the several whose Coachella purchases were thwarted by a day job, shitty Internet connection, or empty wallet, don't fret. We've got 4 pretty fantastic - and definitely provocative - alternatives that are cleaner, cheaper and definitely fucking fun.

1. Masturbate. (Duh.)

http://www.ohmibod.com

But we're not talking just any old jerk or diddle session. There's a way to turn all the music you're missing by not being at Coachella into vibrations powerful enough to make you come again and again.

Check out sex toys that convert beats, rhythms and vocals into various vibe patterns. Our favorite is the original concept developed by OhMiBod.

They've got more than a few to choose from but they all have that special microchip that makes almost any song worthy of self love.

And for those of you who managed to score tickets to Coachella, though we hate you a little we want to recommend picking up a Club Vibe. Wear it in your underwear everywhere you walk and you'll literally FEEL the sounds around you. None of the hipsters/stoners/douches surrounding your dance zone will know you're slowly gyrating your way to an orgasm.

(We've tried it. It works.)

2. Learn How to Squirt

Yes, Angelina. Precisely like that.

It's an act highly coveted by men around the world and often baffling and a little creepy for women in the bedroom.

Porn movies have confused the natural release of female ejaculate with gushing streams of clear urine. (Sorry everyone - the steady flow of liquid that those porn stars push out of their vaginas is more often than not the result of chugging a gallon of water an hour before set time.)

But squirting isn't as elusive and/or skillful as many of us might think. It's really all about the G-spot.

Whether you're masturbating or working with a sidekick, all you need is a strong couple of fingers or a nice up-curved dildo to apply pressure on that spongy spot (it feels ridgy like a walnut shell).

Confused? Stick a finger in there and press up as if you're making that "come hither" motion. You'll feel pressure and possibly a sudden urge to pee, but don't worry. You won't. Chances are, if you're already turned on your G-spot will be a bit swollen and easier to find.

Keeping with same pressure, rub it with short strokes as if you're petting a really small, adorable puppy, and with each movement you'll be helping the G-spot (aka urethral sponge) engorge with fluid.

When orgasm happens you will naturally expel the ejaculate resulting in a small amount "squirting" out of you. It won't necessarily happen every time, but we promise that will practice it'll happen.

We speak from experience. Our dry cleaner has become our BFF.