Deconstructing the Dustin Hoffman/Niall Horan Kiss
First things first: Who is Niall Horan?
An understandable query. The answer is that he's a member of boy band One Direction, made up of sweet young male-things designed to titillate young girls, take all of their parents' money and introduce them to their first warmings of teenage sexuality.
To stoke these fires of desire, Dustin Hoffman demonstrated what it's like to kiss a member of the band when he planted one on Horan on "The Late Show With David Letterman" on Friday night. Hoffman followed the band onstage, sat next to Horan, grabbed him and then sucked his face.
We think Hoffman did the whole kiss pretty well, so here's a brief deconstruction of what went down in order to help you in your future dealings with the lips of boy bands.
1. Sneak up on them
Deep down, we wonder whether members of boy bands are in fact woefully uncertain about sex, even though it's their job to sell it. To that end, don't risk giving them the chance to say no by asking if you can engage in a mouth embrace with them; just do it, like Hoffman does here.
2. Lower their defenses by putting your arm around them first
It's a well known fact that members of boy bands like to bro out. That can include high fiving, pounding it out, or, as Hoffman demonstrates, putting one arm around one another. This way, the member in question wlll think that they're just engaging in yet another act of bromance (or, if you're a lady, platonic friend-mance) before you hit them with the good stuff.
3. Kiss hard
Hoffman really smashed face with this kid. That, we understand, is how boy bands like it. So don't hold back.
4. Make like you're kidding
You don't know if your boy band member will your kiss or not, so protect your own fragile ego by placing your hand over his face and pretending that you're joking about the whole thing. This way, if he hates it, you can be all "whatever it was a joke."