Helga Weber / Creative Commons.

Menopause is never fun, but for some women, it's torture. Ladies, if you reach that time in your life and find that playtime with your man (or woman) feels like getting stabbed with a knife, then it might be time to work on those kegels.

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Image: photostock / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

This should be interesting..

If you've ever watched porn, you've probably gazed with a sense of perplexed wonder at the crazy entanglements the performers manage to get themselves into (and out of). If you're like us, you may have even tried a few with mixed results. The point is always to experiment; however, in many cases some sex positions are not only uncomfortable and decidedly not sexy, they can be borderline dangerous as well. Here are a few we definitely advise against if you aren't a world class pair of gymnasts...

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photostock / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Camel crossing?

Let's face it; women do things for the benefit of other women, not for men. If the latter were true we'd be slinging our cameltoes around town like this season's hottest designer handbag.

Here's a fact: Guys like gazing at the outline of our labia, ladies. (Go figure!)

But instead of celebrating our crotch curves, many of us have been going out of our way to camouflage them without success -- until now.

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Image: YaiSirichai / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Do you want the rest of the world to see your cleavage?

There's a new iPhone app out there that lets you send a sexy photo to that dude you met at Mulligan's last night and allow him to enjoy it for just a few minutes before - POOF! - it deletes itself.

Snapchat, created by a Stanford University student, is the first attempt at eliminated the e-trail of bad judgment that you, I and your mailman have shown at least once this year.

Sure, it's fun to e-flirt by sending suggestive photos to one another but we all remember what happened to former New York Rep. Anthony Weiner when his boner photo ended up on the Internet.

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By Wetfinder (Own work) [CC-BY-SA-3.0 or GFDL], via Wikimedia Commons

No false advertising, here.

The female cameltoe has become a much scrutinized and talked about cultural icon, popular among the exercise set, Wal-Mart shoppers and Coco, wife of Law and Order: SVU star, Ice-T.

My connection? I can remember vividly as a teenager, my mother cutting my too-tight jeans off my skinny frame and screaming at me, "Your crotch lips are showing!" in front of my horrified cousin and friends.

It took us half an hour to squeeze me into my Jordache's, and only seconds for that nut to free me from them with a set of fabric scissors. I lost my favorite pair of pants, and my pride that night, but I learned a valuable lesson in return... cameltoe is a no-no.

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Image: kenfotos / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Wait wait, that's not what I meant!!!

You can find almost anything on Craigslist. I got a free cat while searching for writing jobs and later scored a stain-free IKEA couch and mismatched end tables for $50. But venture into the Casual Encounters section and you're playing a completely different ballgame.

The Internet was designed for just a few things -- cat videos, pirated porn, and turning strangers into "friends" -- and when you venture into the depths of the Casual Encounters listings you become privy to a myriad desires, fetishes, personalities and penis photos you never thought existed.

But does anyone follow through with these requests for "phone luv-in," "a quick stroke," or simply "wild sex"? I came across a dude how has. Does. Has done it more than 200 times. And he is taking a break from kitty memes to share his tips for newbie Casual Encounters users. A beginner's guide, if you will.

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Flickr Creative Commons

I think if you ask someone during sex "Do you think you're going to come?" you should expect "Not now I'm not" to be the answer. Or another response might be, "Oh, I'm sorry; is this BORING YOU? Do you have someplace you need to be?" Because the question implies that you'd like whatever is transpiring to be over soon.

But a friend of mine had a more charitable take on it, saying, "I've said that to guys I'm blowing. That shit gets tedious." And she's right, it can get tedious. But personally, I consider asking for orgasm ETAs something you shouldn't actually say out loud. Whether such inquiries would anger or annoy you might depend on how sensitive you are, but there are other things said in the sack that aren't so open to debate in terms of appropriateness. And in terms of super-creepiness. I probed colleagues about the worst, most bonerkilling things they'd ever heard in bed. Here are some of our favorites from an informal poll:

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Flickr/jeffedoe

No floss, no mouthwash, no way.

Ladies, you know that sinking feeling that comes when a guy with romantic potential suddenly pulls a move so unnerving that it eradicates all of your previously held feelings of warm attraction? Yeah, we know you do. These are the top five things men do (or don't do) that turn desire into simply a desire to run.

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Flickr/KendraKaptures

Dream on dude, it's not happening.

You know the type. She's the stunningly beautiful chick standing across who is completely out of your league. Here are five reasons why she'll never sleep with you. Like, ever.

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http://www.mxpfoto.com/

Better get down to business.

May is Masturbation Month!

For those of you who don't already consider every month to be one worthy of jerking it every day, here is a solid set of 30 days during which you're allowed -- no, expected -- to carpe diem and carpe your private parts.

Your weekly breakdown:

• Make Me Moan Mondays


• Twat Tickling Tuesdays


• Wet Dream Wednesdays


• Thumb-Fucking Thursdays


• Full-Frontal Fridays


• Sit on It Saturdays


• Someone Get Me Some Gatorade Sundays

And as I say every year, stay hydrated and avoid cramping and carpal tunnel because celebrating this blessed holi-month can take a lot out of you. (Literally...see what I did there?)

Here are 5 great -- and easy! -- ways you can celebrate Masturbation Month this year:

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