You might think that an item as whimsical as the novelty penis straw-topper couldn't possibly inspire outrage, but you would be incorrect. A preschool teacher shopping for "Dora the Explorer" balloons for her daughter's Confirmation party reportedly became upset when she spied "dancing penis" bachelorette novelties across the Quincy, Mass., store from the religious-life-milestone party favors she sought, according to The Patriot Ledger. IParty, the New England-based chain of party supply stores this woman is complaining about, defended its placement of bachelorette party novelty items in its stores, saying that the aisles displaying such fun-inducing items as crepe-paper cock table centerpieces, wind-up dancing penises and "Pin the Junk on the Hunk" party games are clearly marked "Adults Only, Please."

But the hapless bachelorette party shopper might have an even more difficult time finding all the penis-themed party accessories on her list if the Quincy city clerk has his way. Although a city employee who visited the store to check out the penises concluded that no ordinances had been violated, City Clerk Joe Shea told the Patriot Ledger that he'd like the adult items moved into a separate room, so customers - after showing they're over 18 years old - would have to request a perusal of IParty's racier merchandise.

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WCVB Channel 5 Boston posted the story on its Facebook page, which generated entertaining comments both supporting the woman and deriding her:

"I worked there for four years," one woman said. "They really are discreet about it, and
those items are huge sellers. I know the stores I worked at were very good about
watching who went down those aisles, and the shelves are blocked and marked 'adult only.'"

And: "Well, I was in Iparty recently to buy some dancing penises, and I was offended by
all of the religious items in the Confirmation/First Communion aisle."

Last, but not least: "Out of place and disgusting and I'm no prude [sic]."

I wanted to see these novelty dancing penises for myself so I skipped on over to
iparty.com, but my visit proved penisless. The site only invited me to join its Birthday
Club, check out its Red Sox fan section and peruse Halloween costumes hella early. So I
can't say how big and offensive the dancing penises in Quincy's IParty might have been,
but regardless, the store didn't break any laws so the issue will likely be forgotten in a
week or two. Except that lady will probably shop elsewhere. Or maybe just until her next
party.

Speaking of that lady and her balloons: I made my Confirmation in 10th grade, so if Mom
was shopping for "Dora the Explorer" balloons for a 15 year old's party, either the paper
reported some inaccuracies, or there's some mad infantilizing up in that household.

Follow @Virginia Pelley and @AfterDarkLA on Twitter.

Image: Roland Darby / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Most street vendors don't look like this.

An especially ambitious hooker was arrested last week after police discovered she was selling a lot more than hot dogs in a bun out of her little Long Island food truck. You know, like sauerkraut and hand jobs.

She got found out after two undercover cops ordered some snacks to go and ended up being offered a couple sex acts that weren't on the menu.

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By Mona (Women's line Uploaded by The Egyptian Liberal) [CC-BY-2.0], via Wikimedia Commons

More fun without a pulse?

The age-old practice of banging your dead wife may be resurrected in Egypt, if members of the newly elected Islamist-dominated parliament have their say.

Or, so the Internet story goes.

Shocking reports circulated last week in Egyptian and Arab media outlets about a proposed "Farewell Intercourse" draft law, which allegedly stated that a husband would be able to legally fuck his partner's decomposing body for up to six hours following her death.

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Image: Dundee Photographics / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Now...where did I put that condom?

Fearing the evil pornographers of the San Fernando Valley will invade their bedrooms backyards as a result of Los Angeles' recent condom-only ordinance, the Simi Valley City Council has pre-banned filming sex acts performed without a condom-ed co-star.

Simi Valley is about a half hour's drive west (when there isn't a soul driving on the freeway) of the neck of the valley that's been infiltrated by adult studios and their cohorts for decades.

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sscreations / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Do not pass Go, Psycho. Do not collect 200 dollars.

Attention guys: Don't piss off a chick, or you may end up losing your dick.

On Monday, now-infamous English penis biter Sinead Walker, 40, chomped off more than she could chew when she was found guilty by a British court on two counts of common assault, after mauling her lover's manhood with her mouth, leaving it and him permanently scarred.

The victim, Vincent Rennoldson, a 42-year-old former shop fitter and father of three, complained to reporters after the verdict: "It was horrific -- she came around to say sorry and ended up trying to bite my penis off. There was a lot of blood and it was painful for weeks afterwards. I now have a three-inch scar."

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Flickr/dmott9

Natural what?

Hot for teacher? In Arkansas, that's just fine. A vote last week by the Arkansas Supreme Court struck down a state law banning teachers from engaging in consensual sexual relationships with students 18 years and older.

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AscensionDigital / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Today's lesson is...there is no lesson.

Lawmakers in Utah passed bill HB363 that would let schools skip teaching sex ed to their students, arguing that providing kids with this kind of information is the responsibility of parents. The bill now awaits signature from the governor.

In a 19-10 vote, senators not only dismissed the need for institutionalized sex education, but also prohibited discussion of and instruction in contraception use. Among the sentiments included was that of Sen. Stuart Reid, who believes that teachers can't be trusted to provide such sensitive information.

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Sometimes not being able to get it up is a tragedy not so easily solved with blue pills or Spanish fly. Occasionally, heavy machinery is required.

Coloplast, a Danish manufacturer of medical devices, is being sued by Eric Banks, a Pennsylvania man who claims that his surgically-implanted Coloplast penis pump repeatedly failed to deflate.

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Xmybox

Thanks to our main ho at TheJayFK for giving us a heads up on this legal brief. "Dial" F for fail!

A team of San Diego lawyers have filed a class action suit against Dial Corp. and its parent company, Germany-based Henkel, claiming that the company's Dial for Men Magnetic body wash does not live up to its marketing promise as a liquid chick magnet.

How could hapless consumers be hoodwinked into thinking a soap could actually help them score with the ladies? Because of the (pseudo) science behind the product's claims: Dial for Men Magnetic Moisture Rich and Clean-Rinsing labels describe the soaps as "pheromone-infused" and "attraction-enhancing."

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Los Angeles has become the first city in the nation requiring performers use condoms while shooting adult films in areas that require permits.

It started with the AIDS Healthcare Foundation (AHF), which in December gathered some 71,000 signatures in support of the initiative to mandate condoms. This is no small victory for the AHF, which has been battling the adult industry for years over practices that they consider pose a needless risk to performers.

Photo by Corey Ann.

The adult industry disagrees vehemently, contending that their self-regulation --- which requires performers to test for the human immunodeficiency virus (HIV) and sexually transmitted infections (STIs) every 28 days -- is sufficient.

They point out that there have only been ten cases of HIV in the industry since 2005.

Jeffrey Douglas, chair of the Free Speech Coalition, a group that lobbies for adult entertainment rights, told the LA Weekly, "In all of the tens of thousands of unprotected sex acts [since 2005], there is only one documented occasion where someone transmitted HIV on the set."

Sex worker activists contend that while the industry has its issues, change should come from within. Efforts from outside of the industry by people who do not understand the concerns of those within have historically hurt performers more than helped them.

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