Image: Roland Darby / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Not exactly Shakespeare.

You may have heard of this book that media pundits and housewives alike are gushing about on camera and at brunch while trying not to squirm in their seats. It's called "Fifty Shades of Grey" and was written by an English housewife whose obsession with "Twilight" led her to create an irritatingly similar storyline and publish it as an amateur e-book.

The only differences being no vampires, no glitter, lots of bondage, and far too much fantastical fucking.

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Image: Roland Darby / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Most street vendors don't look like this.

An especially ambitious hooker was arrested last week after police discovered she was selling a lot more than hot dogs in a bun out of her little Long Island food truck. You know, like sauerkraut and hand jobs.

She got found out after two undercover cops ordered some snacks to go and ended up being offered a couple sex acts that weren't on the menu.

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Image: YaiSirichai / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Do you want the rest of the world to see your cleavage?

There's a new iPhone app out there that lets you send a sexy photo to that dude you met at Mulligan's last night and allow him to enjoy it for just a few minutes before - POOF! - it deletes itself.

Snapchat, created by a Stanford University student, is the first attempt at eliminated the e-trail of bad judgment that you, I and your mailman have shown at least once this year.

Sure, it's fun to e-flirt by sending suggestive photos to one another but we all remember what happened to former New York Rep. Anthony Weiner when his boner photo ended up on the Internet.

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Good for your body AND the planet.

Boutique sex store Good Vibrations has released the results of a recent survey conducted to figure out how sex toy shoppers feel about going green. (Not a euphemism.)

More people are bringing Mother Earth into their bedrooms (kinky) and sex toy companies have taken note, with recyclable packaging, products made from recycled and biodegradable materials, and rechargeable vibrating motors becoming the norm on sex shop shelves.

But Good Vibes wanted to find out if people actually give a hoot about the environment while shopping for something to shove into their (or someone else's) orifices.

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Image: kenfotos / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Wait wait, that's not what I meant!!!

You can find almost anything on Craigslist. I got a free cat while searching for writing jobs and later scored a stain-free IKEA couch and mismatched end tables for $50. But venture into the Casual Encounters section and you're playing a completely different ballgame.

The Internet was designed for just a few things -- cat videos, pirated porn, and turning strangers into "friends" -- and when you venture into the depths of the Casual Encounters listings you become privy to a myriad desires, fetishes, personalities and penis photos you never thought existed.

But does anyone follow through with these requests for "phone luv-in," "a quick stroke," or simply "wild sex"? I came across a dude how has. Does. Has done it more than 200 times. And he is taking a break from kitty memes to share his tips for newbie Casual Encounters users. A beginner's guide, if you will.

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World, meet the Hugvie, a little person-shaped pillow with two vibrating motors inside that buzz together to emulate a heartbeat and the vibrating sensation you feel when leaning on your lover's chest. Like when he tells you how beautiful you are...or when she asks to suck your cock again. (To each his/her own.)

Adorable. But wait, there's more.

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http://www.mxpfoto.com/

Better get down to business.

May is Masturbation Month!

For those of you who don't already consider every month to be one worthy of jerking it every day, here is a solid set of 30 days during which you're allowed -- no, expected -- to carpe diem and carpe your private parts.

Your weekly breakdown:

• Make Me Moan Mondays


• Twat Tickling Tuesdays


• Wet Dream Wednesdays


• Thumb-Fucking Thursdays


• Full-Frontal Fridays


• Sit on It Saturdays


• Someone Get Me Some Gatorade Sundays

And as I say every year, stay hydrated and avoid cramping and carpal tunnel because celebrating this blessed holi-month can take a lot out of you. (Literally...see what I did there?)

Here are 5 great -- and easy! -- ways you can celebrate Masturbation Month this year:

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Everyone's favorite one-woman synth show Grimes has come out with a jewelry line that leaves not much left to the imagination.

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Image: Dundee Photographics / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Now...where did I put that condom?

Fearing the evil pornographers of the San Fernando Valley will invade their bedrooms backyards as a result of Los Angeles' recent condom-only ordinance, the Simi Valley City Council has pre-banned filming sex acts performed without a condom-ed co-star.

Simi Valley is about a half hour's drive west (when there isn't a soul driving on the freeway) of the neck of the valley that's been infiltrated by adult studios and their cohorts for decades.

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Kink.com

That looks so...comfortable?

UPDATE: From Kink.com founder Peter Acworth:

"I have long respected Groupon and have felt fortunate to be able to partner with them in raising the visibility of our Armory Tour program. Prior to our (admittedly unusual!) use, the Armory was vacant and was boarded up for 30+ years while many rehabilitation efforts failed. We've been amazed by how many people have been fascinated by its history. We are grateful to Groupon for helping us open the doors of the Armory to the public -- doing so not only satisfies folks' curiosity about the building, but also helps fulfill our mission of demystifying and celebrating alternative sexuality."

Groupon sold a discounted tour of fetish porn company Kink.com's historic San Francisco armory headquarters and -- GASP! -- people are pissed.

The adult industry's favorite anti-porn advocates (next to the AIDS Healthcare Foundation) Morality in Media (MIM) is calling a Groupon boycott after the discount site offered patrons the chance to check out the dank nooks and crannies that Kink.com uses to shoot its myriad BDSM and uber-fetish films.

This is the second time Groupon has offered this option, so chances are it's a popular choice among locals looking to learn more about what goes down in the Bay Area's former military training base. Risky -- but presumably profitable -- move on the discount website's part.

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