You might think that an item as whimsical as the novelty penis straw-topper couldn't possibly inspire outrage, but you would be incorrect. A preschool teacher shopping for "Dora the Explorer" balloons for her daughter's Confirmation party reportedly became upset when she spied "dancing penis" bachelorette novelties across the Quincy, Mass., store from the religious-life-milestone party favors she sought, according to The Patriot Ledger. IParty, the New England-based chain of party supply stores this woman is complaining about, defended its placement of bachelorette party novelty items in its stores, saying that the aisles displaying such fun-inducing items as crepe-paper cock table centerpieces, wind-up dancing penises and "Pin the Junk on the Hunk" party games are clearly marked "Adults Only, Please."

But the hapless bachelorette party shopper might have an even more difficult time finding all the penis-themed party accessories on her list if the Quincy city clerk has his way. Although a city employee who visited the store to check out the penises concluded that no ordinances had been violated, City Clerk Joe Shea told the Patriot Ledger that he'd like the adult items moved into a separate room, so customers - after showing they're over 18 years old - would have to request a perusal of IParty's racier merchandise.

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WCVB Channel 5 Boston posted the story on its Facebook page, which generated entertaining comments both supporting the woman and deriding her:

"I worked there for four years," one woman said. "They really are discreet about it, and
those items are huge sellers. I know the stores I worked at were very good about
watching who went down those aisles, and the shelves are blocked and marked 'adult only.'"

And: "Well, I was in Iparty recently to buy some dancing penises, and I was offended by
all of the religious items in the Confirmation/First Communion aisle."

Last, but not least: "Out of place and disgusting and I'm no prude [sic]."

I wanted to see these novelty dancing penises for myself so I skipped on over to
iparty.com, but my visit proved penisless. The site only invited me to join its Birthday
Club, check out its Red Sox fan section and peruse Halloween costumes hella early. So I
can't say how big and offensive the dancing penises in Quincy's IParty might have been,
but regardless, the store didn't break any laws so the issue will likely be forgotten in a
week or two. Except that lady will probably shop elsewhere. Or maybe just until her next
party.

Speaking of that lady and her balloons: I made my Confirmation in 10th grade, so if Mom
was shopping for "Dora the Explorer" balloons for a 15 year old's party, either the paper
reported some inaccuracies, or there's some mad infantilizing up in that household.

Follow @Virginia Pelley and @AfterDarkLA on Twitter.

Good for your body AND the planet.

Boutique sex store Good Vibrations has released the results of a recent survey conducted to figure out how sex toy shoppers feel about going green. (Not a euphemism.)

More people are bringing Mother Earth into their bedrooms (kinky) and sex toy companies have taken note, with recyclable packaging, products made from recycled and biodegradable materials, and rechargeable vibrating motors becoming the norm on sex shop shelves.

But Good Vibes wanted to find out if people actually give a hoot about the environment while shopping for something to shove into their (or someone else's) orifices.

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World, meet the Hugvie, a little person-shaped pillow with two vibrating motors inside that buzz together to emulate a heartbeat and the vibrating sensation you feel when leaning on your lover's chest. Like when he tells you how beautiful you are...or when she asks to suck your cock again. (To each his/her own.)

Adorable. But wait, there's more.

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"It's like I can feel you..."

The strong and talented Mark Wahlberg, once known as the shirtless and muscular Marky Mark, was photographed running out of a Miami sex shop holding a fake fuckable vagina and extra-large set of anal beads.

SCORE.

Odds are he had some greater movie-related purpose for the purchase, but I prefer to assume that Wahlberg -- whom I'll refer to simply as Marky -- took a break from filming "Pain and Gain" with fellow meat head The Rock to pick up the rubber inflatable redhead and oversize bulbous butt plug for a cozy night in.

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Image: Graeme Weatherston / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Take her away, officer.

Police have to deal with a lot in their line of work and we certainly don't envy them. They get shot at, harassed and screamed at for relatively low pay. But a new indignity has joined the list of things that the boys in blue have to watch out for: dildos.

Officer Jonathan Pitts responded to a domestic dispute, eventually having to escort 47-year-old Lisa Anderson out of her friend's apartment. Anderson fought back, picking up a foot-long pink dildo and hurling it at the police officer's head. Ms. Anderson was then arrested.

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Flickr: Stagshop

Since 2007 the porn market has really changed. Women are not only consuming more porn, they're also playing more of a role behind the camera and in the board room. The days of porn as the exclusive domain of men are long behind us.

That said, in my days working at a porn shop across the street from a middle school in Portland, Ore., I got to view a sort of bridge between the old ways and the new. My shop stood smack between the days of porn as a predominantly male pursuit and today's modern way of selling smut.

These were the four types of female customers I saw on the regular:

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Ew. Please don't.

One of those sex toy companies that makes disemboweled body parts with fuckable orifices has struck again, this time clearly inspired by the beautiful Photoshopped bodies of pregnant celebrities that we can't seem to escape.

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Flickr: StagShop

For whatever reason, there's a lingering social stigma regarding men and sex toys. While women can talk openly about their vibrators, a man with a pocket pussy is regarded as some kind of bizarre pervert.

Let me speak directly to the men right now: If your life is devoid of sex toys, you are missing out, my friend. Here are five things every man should have in his bedside table drawer.

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Check under that pillow...

There's a new sex machine in town and this one is billed to be stronger, faster and (GASP) louder than the trusted, tried and true Hitachi wand - most American women's go-to source for mind-numbing, no-fail orgasms.

The Rock Box is made by Lovehoney, a Brit company responsible for sex toys such as Death by Orgasm vibrators and the tongue-lapping Sqweel cunnilingus emulator. Their apparent motivation was to offer a massive machine that'd offer mind-numbing vibration at speeds and powers that exceed the Hitachi.

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