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Not exactly Shakespeare.

You may have heard of this book that media pundits and housewives alike are gushing about on camera and at brunch while trying not to squirm in their seats. It's called "Fifty Shades of Grey" and was written by an English housewife whose obsession with "Twilight" led her to create an irritatingly similar storyline and publish it as an amateur e-book.

The only differences being no vampires, no glitter, lots of bondage, and far too much fantastical fucking.

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G'day! I'm Taco Man! I'm here to surgically rejuvenate your vag, mate!

In Australia, and anywhere, a vagina sometimes needs a little off the top...and I'm not talking about bikini waxes, bushy lightning bolts, or any hairstyles of the pubic forest.

Read more --> Top Bikini Wax Trends!

If an over-hanging labium has got you feeling low, a trip to the local Aussie doctor can lift your spirits as well as your vulva.

At least that's how it can go, for now.

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Tawny Rockerazzi / Flickr Creative Commons

Getting sober is no picnic. Staying sober is even less of one, and for recovering alcoholics, navigating the world of dating can add undue stress to their lives.

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photostock / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Camel crossing?

Let's face it; women do things for the benefit of other women, not for men. If the latter were true we'd be slinging our cameltoes around town like this season's hottest designer handbag.

Here's a fact: Guys like gazing at the outline of our labia, ladies. (Go figure!)

But instead of celebrating our crotch curves, many of us have been going out of our way to camouflage them without success -- until now.

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Image: kenfotos / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Wait wait, that's not what I meant!!!

You can find almost anything on Craigslist. I got a free cat while searching for writing jobs and later scored a stain-free IKEA couch and mismatched end tables for $50. But venture into the Casual Encounters section and you're playing a completely different ballgame.

The Internet was designed for just a few things -- cat videos, pirated porn, and turning strangers into "friends" -- and when you venture into the depths of the Casual Encounters listings you become privy to a myriad desires, fetishes, personalities and penis photos you never thought existed.

But does anyone follow through with these requests for "phone luv-in," "a quick stroke," or simply "wild sex"? I came across a dude how has. Does. Has done it more than 200 times. And he is taking a break from kitty memes to share his tips for newbie Casual Encounters users. A beginner's guide, if you will.

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http://www.mxpfoto.com/

Better get down to business.

May is Masturbation Month!

For those of you who don't already consider every month to be one worthy of jerking it every day, here is a solid set of 30 days during which you're allowed -- no, expected -- to carpe diem and carpe your private parts.

Your weekly breakdown:

• Make Me Moan Mondays


• Twat Tickling Tuesdays


• Wet Dream Wednesdays


• Thumb-Fucking Thursdays


• Full-Frontal Fridays


• Sit on It Saturdays


• Someone Get Me Some Gatorade Sundays

And as I say every year, stay hydrated and avoid cramping and carpal tunnel because celebrating this blessed holi-month can take a lot out of you. (Literally...see what I did there?)

Here are 5 great -- and easy! -- ways you can celebrate Masturbation Month this year:

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Too crowded for coitus?

Apparently, people in Hong Kong are keeping their bits to themselves these days. Sex experts are advising the population of the city to increase their private time because, going by recent studies, no one is getting any.

A survey done by City University's Community College shows that couples in the city are having sex less than twice a week -- 1.6 times a week, to be precise. (I don't know where the .6 comes into play...someone's clearly not able to finish what they've started.)

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Tired of that sinking feeling you get from searching through endless online dating profiles only to come up empty? Too afraid to venture into the crowded bar scene hoping to have an audible conversation with someone before his/her fourth beer? Dating isn't easy -- it's not always pleasant, either -- but there are some new tools out there to help us find our mates without embarrassing ourselves too much.

A recent New York Times article has unveiled a new face of dating as seen across the country.

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http://www.mxpfoto.com

She can get as wet as she wants.

There's a new makeup in town, and this stuff won't end up all over your (or that random dude's) pillow the morning after. Originally made for use in the plastic surgery world as a body-safe makeup that covers up Botox welts and laser marks, this smudge-proof, sweat-proof and even healing face makeup isn't just for the Frankensteins of Beverly Hills.

It's perfect sex makeup.

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Image: YaiSirichai / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Pubes. So hot right now.

We've all got hair down there and the evolution of female pubic hair has been a fascinating one. Since the 70s' telltale uber-bush we've encountered landing strips, small tufts fondly nicknamed "Hitler moustaches," and even completely smooth pussies as bare as the day we learned what a vagina was.

But the days of the porn-star-esque anti-muff are gone, and we solicited aesthetician and vagina-waxer to the stars (well...porn stars) Amanda Smash Hyde to see where we're headed in the pube department.

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