Fuck You, Penguin: When Cute Animals Make You Angry

Matthew Gasteier runs the blog FU, Penguin. He is 27 years old and lives in Watertown, MA, just outside of Boston. His blog just got turned into a book, which he will be signing tomorrow afternoon, September 12, at Fred Segal. The book and the blog are filled with stuff like this:

I actually love penguins, which is why I named my site after them. My lifelong dream is to hug a penguin, but so far I have had no penguins take me up on that dream. I will say that I find that rather rude.

Do you really hate cute animals? Or is it more like that weird feeling when something is so cute you want to squash it?

That second one is exactly the idea of the site. At a certain point, something is just too wonderful for words, and what business does anything have being that wonderful? I think we've all seen a picture of a puppy being cared for by a chimp or a week-old baby panda opening its eyes and just felt an ache in your belly because you just can't stand how cute it is. I haven't spent enough time thinking about it to come up with a word for it yet, but Webster's should get on that.

In your opinion, which of the cute critters in the animal kingdom are
the worst offenders?

Well, if you are asking me what animals have the highest profile, it's definitely the panda, followed closely by the penguin and domestic animals in general, particularly puppies, kittens, and bunnies. But the panda is basically a non-stop terror. I could have quite easily called the blog Fuck You, Panda.

Does PETA ever get on your case?

It's funny you ask, because PETA actually follows me on Twitter! I don't know if that's a good thing or a bad thing.

What's your day job? Is fucking penguins your full time gig? Or, rather, saying "fuck you" to penguins?

I was not aware you could get paid to fuck penguins. Something tells me PETA would be much less happy about that.

Do you ever get paranoid that the rabbits (or otters, or chipmunks, or whatever) are going to try to get revenge on you for slamming them?

Actually, there are these wild geese that work around my office, and every time I walk by them I think about how ironic it would be if one attacked me.

Do you have pets?

I do not have pets, since I can't in my apartment, but I am looking forward to being in Los Angeles so I can visit Coco and Dexter, my parents' dogs.

What are you going to do if no one comes to your Los Angeles book signing?

Do you know something I don't know? I hope everyone comes to my signing, I think it's going to be a swell time.

Do people ever ask you if you are a budding serial killer?

I have never been asked that question, no. People do ask me if I am less stressful because I get to rant at cute animals every day. I like to say there's nothing like yelling at a picture of a kitten for ten minutes to really relax you.