Armageddon 2: Carmageddon, the Unproduced Screenplay About the 405 Closure
The 1998 movie Armageddon starred Bruce Willis and Ben Affleck as deep-sea oil drillers deployed by NASA and the military to embed a nuclear device 800 feet inside an asteroid heading straight for Earth. The device would split the asteroid into two parts, with both halves just narrowly missing our planet, saving us from a true armageddon.
It's one thing for the world to be destroyed -- but for the 405 to be out of service for an entire weekend takes things to a whole new level.
In that spirit, we present highlights from the screenplay for Armageddon 2: Carmageddon, the unproduced sequel, coming this weekend to a freeway near you.
Scene 1: NASA headquarters, Washington, D.C. Among a huge bank of empty computer terminals, our heroes sit in front of their screens, and stare into space. Not space as in outer space. Just normal space.
Ben Affleck: "Now that the shuttle program is ending, ain't so much left for us to do here."
Bruce Willis: "Barely anything on my screen. Just this little speck of dust."
Ben grabs his trusty can of computer dust remover spray, and takes a look.
Ben: "Friend, that ain't no speck of dust."
Bruce: "It's not?"
Ben: "Nope. That's a tiny asteroid, heading straight for the 405."
Bruce: "Oh no. And on one of the busiest summer weekends of the year."
Bruce: "We'd better find a way to implant a nuclear device deep within the asteroid that, when ignited, will split the asteroid in two halves that will land on either side of the highway, enabling continued safe travel across the Sepulveda Pass."
Ben: "Indeed. If not for us, then for all of the people who were planning to go to the Getty and pretend they like art."
Bruce: "We'd better get started."
Scene 2: The Department of Motor Vehicles. Los Angeles, California. Our third hero, Billy Bob Thornton, takes care of a customer.
Customer: "I need to renew my driver's license."
Billy Bob Thornton: "You've been waiting in the wrong line."
Customer: "This is the only line."
Billy Bob: "And it's the wrong line. Next."
BEN and BRUCE step up to the counter.
Ben: "Hi. We're from NASA, trying to embed a nuclear device inside an asteroid headed for the 405. And we needed someone on the inside."
Bruce: "Someone with real knowledge of the rules of the road, and, uh, where the highway is."
Ben: "Someone gruff and creepy on the outside, but warm and surprisingly intelligent once you get to know him."
Billy Bob: "Sounds like I'd be perfect."
Bruce: "We think you would. Will you join us as a member of the Carmadillos?"
Billy Bob: "Sure. I'm about to go on break anyway."
Ben: "Great, let's go put a nuclear device inside an asteroid."
Billy Bob: "Can we stop for lunch first?"