Rachel Roderman
Caught in a bad romance? So bad that you can't even bear to think about chocolate or candlelight with your partner?
Lucky for you, we have compiled a list of the five least romantic Valentine's Day dates in Los Angeles you'll go gaga over.
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In our new column, First Person, L.A. writers tackle the good, the bad and the funny about life as they know it.
Is that lemonade in your cup? Beyonce did the master cleanse for her role in Dreamgirls
Deciding to go on the master cleanse in December was either inspired or idiotic. Since I got the idea while in the far-too-familiar haze of a wine buzz, I blame it on the alcohol.
You're probably aware of the idea, if not the details. The cleanse, also known as the lemonade diet, went mainstream when Beyoncé used it in 2006 to lose weight for her role in Dreamgirls. These days, buying 15 lemons, a jug of maple syrup and a canister of cayenne pepper in L.A. telegraphs exactly what you're up to -- and no one lifts an eyebrow.
But the fast, which requires eating no solids and drinking a juice made from the above ingredients for no less than 10 days, wasn't created to shrink starlets. A health guru concocted the plan in the 1940s as a detox. As the Weekly's assistant music editor, I was going out too much and drinking too much of whichever poison was placed on the bar in front of me. I needed a detox, desperately.
But in December? The season of open bars and heavily laden buffet tables? I faltered until a friend gave me the side eye. "The most hard-core chicks I knew in college never lasted more than three days." That sounded like a challenge.
It's not always easy being a New York transplant in Los Angeles. I defend you a lot, LA, to everyone back home who hasn't eaten at your taco trucks, felt your gleaming afternoon sunshine or appreciated the sweeping vistas mid-hike through your urban mountains. But this holiday season I chose to stay West rather than risk another Snowpocalypse, and I can't say I'm pleased. WTF, LA: why are your Christmas lights so unbelievably lame? 
Amanda Lewis This house in Hancock Park was the closest thing I could find in LA to a proper Christmas Yardgasm.
I guess I appreciate the attempts made by those who line a shrubbery cluster with colored bulbs and those who affix an inflatable snowman onto a tiled roof. Forget those spiral "trees" that don't even resemble real trees, though. Those are a disgrace. But when I talk about a Christmas Yardgasm, I'm talking about private citizens who go above and beyond the holiday spirit, who welcome their annual opportunity to top the previous December's electricity bill, and who attract a steady stream of light-tourists from near and far, peering from their cars or parking down the street to walk and get a better look despite the bitter cold.
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Courtesy of Mofones How cool would it be to talk into this Fossilfishfone?
Like it or not, the Christmas shopping season is upon us. For those who prefer not to get pepper-sprayed by kamikaze shoppers at big box stores, however, there are thankfully other options. Even better -- there are options that allow you to support local L.A. artists and have some wacky fun at the same time, such as the new Mofones line of iPhone holders.
Mofones, funky objects that attach to iPhones and give them a larger grip area, are artist-designed and artist-made. The first mass-produced Mofones, which recycle old rotary phone parts to give the iPhone a retro look, are available now at Urban Outfitters and select Nordstrom locations. Beginning next year, however, Mofones will begin to roll out even funkier designs that border on fine art sculpture. These include holders made out of animal skulls, deer antlers, two-by-fours, and Lego parts.
The Mofones company was founded by Morrisa Maltz, a video and performance artist who moved to L.A. in 2007 after getting her BFA from Columbia University. For a while, she had a day job at an Apple store, where she noticed a lack of creative accessories for the ubiquitous iPhone. It seemed odd, given the number of creative types who like to sport iPhones.
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A free tree for the holidays... wha-what!?!? And it's art? One of those bad boys would normally set you back at least $50, for a small one. And then they die (well, really they're already dying the moment they're cut down for your yuletide pleasure -- it's kind of sick when you think about it that way...). And they make a mess and you have to haul it out of your house in time for the city-sanctioned pick-up. The exhibition "Ever Green" at Monte Vista Projects in Highland Park attempts to solve this problem for you, served up as some bangin' art.
Trees for rent
"Ever Green," going on now through December 18, is a collaborative exhibition with works from The Portable Forest, Bianca D'Amico, Nicole Antebi, and Amy Blount Lay. While The Portable Forest's contribution, Portable Forest Tree Library, is the attention-grabber in this show (did I mention a free tree for the holidays? oh, I did...), works by D'Amico, Antebi and Blount Lay complement and boost up The Portable Forest's tree rental service as a full program of art chock-full of environmental goodness.
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Charles Dickens Action Figure Stocking Stuffer
A cursory glance at last week's L.A. Weekly theater reviews reveals a typical early-December harvest of local holiday-themed shows but without, shall we say, the typical level of enthusiasm for this most traditional and surefire source of seasonal box office revenue.
Call it a collective yawn.
The best that critic Pauline Adamek can muster for ZJU's late-night Christmas Thrills and High Adventure is the backhanded superlative, "short and sweet." Neal Weaver hammers a coffin lid on The Celebration's Christmastime is Queer with pejorative nails like "fitfully funny" and "essentially bland." Rebecca Haithcoat roasts the chestnuts of Archway Theatre's The Many Murders of Kristopher K. Kringle as being timid and "not especially inventive." And I compare Jason Moyer's Dickens update, Gay Apparel: A Christmas Carol, to "lumps of coal in a Christmas stocking."
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rustyzipper.com
By now, even Grandma has probably heard (but doesn't care) that the Ugly Christmas Sweater is done.
Such sweaters have moved from being worn sincerely to being worn with irony, and soon they'll move into not being worn at all.
But what will take their place in yuletide ubiquity?
Here are a few nominees, and guidelines about the manner in which they should be worn: Sincere, Zany, or Ironic.
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Art. The greatest gift of all. Forget those cheese 'n sausage gift baskets, and get your loved ones something that won't rot their guts, like limited edition prints. 
Phil Chang, Scan of Kodabrome & Photograph of Laser Prints, 2011; courtesy of the artist and Pepin Moore, Los Angeles Holiday art doesn't have to be snowy.
And besides, art is good for you. I'm sure some scientist somewhere is even now discovering the health benefits of a daily dose of it. Check out these upcoming art fairs, shows and auctions to get some quality work for your loved ones (including yourself) this holiday season.
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Need a break from all the credit card-maxing, house-lighting, bad party-attending and general seasonal stressing? Why not try something outside of the gift box this year? Here, five festive, somewhat freaky holiday haps in town that are anything but cookie-cutter Christmas confections.
5. Charles Phoenix's Retro Holiday Show
The holidays are really all about nostalgic accoutrements and rituals. And nobody knows nostalgia -- especially in L.A. -- better than Charles Phoenix, a Cali institution known for his enlightening Disneyland tour guides and kitschy slideshow presentations (see image above). Charles Phoenix's Retro Holiday Show is always a hoot. Phoenix "roasts and toasts" mid-century family life and style during the holidays via old photos and oddball commentary that meshes the wit of Awkward Family Photos with a genuine zest for the season that maybe only St. Nick himself could match. Dec. 18, 7:00 p.m. at REDCAT Theater,
631 West 2nd St.
Downtown. www.charlesphoenix.com
L.J. Williamson 'Cause nothing says Christmas like Diet Coke.
You know that complaints about the commercialization of Christmas are as unfashionable as figgy pudding when "Your Ad Here"-equivalent Christmas ornaments are popular store items.
Companies like Coca-Cola pay big bucks to buy advertising space on billboards and bus stops, but they've cleverly figured out that some folks will actually pay for the privilege of giving away the underutilized advertising space on their Christmas trees. To wit: the Coke and Diet Coke can Christmas ornaments pictured above. The glitter glued to the edge of the cans ensures that no one will make the mistake of lifting one of these to their mouths, and it also saves you the trouble of gluing glitter onto one of your own empty Coke cans and hanging that on the tree.
Here are seven more corporate icons to deck the halls with:
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