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Brandi Glaville (second from the left) among friends

See also: *Our Real Housewives archives

1. Brandi Glanville (Last week: 2)
After 19 raucous episodes, last night finally brought season three of Real Housewives of Beverly Hills to a close, and despite what proved to be a volatile stock market for Brandi's cred, she ended up coming out exactly where she started: on top. That's because despite having an embattled relationship with nearly every Housewife, getting ganged up on and subsequently leaving multiple dinner parties this season and fighting an inter-Housewife legal battle, everyone still rallied around her against the morally-corrupt Faye Resnick, who accused her, bombastically, of breaking up Adrienne Maloof's marriage and not owning enough Chanel bags to be a lady. To piss off that many people but still have them take your side -- Brandi must have done something right this season.

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Lisa Vanderpump's backyard

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1. Lisa Vanderpump (Last week: Not ranked)
We tried to fight the fits of jealousy but after last night's RHOBH it became totally undeniable that we want to skin Lisa, put her on like a costume, sneak into Villa Rosa and see how long we can get away with squatting in her digs before Giggy notices we're not making out with him anymore and outs us as an impostor. Those views. Are you kidding? They're made only more lovely by the gentle touch of a sexy masseur who makes house calls. This is about the best life one could ask for, with a close second being...

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Brandi Glanville's new footwear

See also: *Our Real Housewives archives

1. Brandi Glanville (Last week: 4)
Not only did Brandi get (what appears to be) a free trip to Paris, Yolanda Foster threw in a pair of designer shoes because she looked lonely. Dammit if it doesn't it pay to be the poor girl in this group.

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1. Ken Todd and Mauricio Umansky (Last week: Not ranked)
And to think they were fighting just a few short weeks ago. Look at them now! We can hear their giggles from here.

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Yolanda Foster chats up ex-husband Mohamed Hadid

See also: *Our Real Housewives archives

1. Yolanda Foster (Last week: 8)
Yolanda is number one. We feel like we're ... breaking. But you gotta hand it to her this week. She successfully threw a classy party (where nobody threw a tantrum and left) at her ex-husband Mohamed house, which she decorated, for money, and it was attended by her current husband David Foster, not to mention all the other important Beverly Hills faces, who stood around the piano and hummed happily as David tickled the ivories in this newly gussied up broken home, then managed to get nearly everyone to agree to meet her in Paris the very next week. What? Who does that? Werk, Yolanda.

2. Brandi Glanville (Last week: 2)
We're pretty sure she got a free trip to Paris. Yolanda must have sacrificed buying a second horse in order to make that happen!

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Letters from Bernie

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*Our Real Housewives archives
*Brandi Glanville's Book Drinking & Tweeting: 8 Incredible Revelations

1. Bernie (Last week: Not ranked)
It turns out Adrienne Maloof's private chef Bernie has been secretly manipulating the Housewives this whole time and is pretty much the source of all their feuds and legal troubles. Who knew!? This is like some Downton Abbey shit or something. It appears this is how everything has gone down:

Bernie may have sold a story about Adrienne to the tabloids and framed Lisa Vanderpump for having done so. Adrienne publicly accused Lisa, Lisa denied, and they're pretty much no longer friends.

Then Bernie sold stories about Brandi Glanville to RadarOnline, which Brandi had the emails to prove. She's long accused him and has tweeted all about it, but Adrienne stood by her chef/man and accused Brandi of defaming Bernie. Then Adrienne accused Brandi of being a bad mother and sleeping until 3 p.m. -- a story that mysteriously appeared in RadarOnline soon after. Hmm...

You may be a wicked man, Bernie, but hats off to you. You run this town and these girls are your pawns.

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Taylor Armstrong plays puppetmaster once again

See also: *Our Real Housewives archives

1. Taylor Armstrong (Last week: 5)
Just because you're calling the shots doesn't mean you're using your powers for good, but still, Taylor and her rosé-lubricated mouth ended up running the show at Lisa Vanderpump's tea party. (We use the word "tea" loosely since all anyone did there was booze.)

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Is there a Pulitzer category for memoirs by jilted reality stars who like to talk smack about ex-husbands and "bonus moms?" Because if so, this book should win it.

And we're not joking for one second. Drinking & Tweeting and Other Brandi Blunders by Real Housewives of Beverly Hills star Brandi Glanville and not-so-ghostwriter Leslie Bruce is the best piece of celeb literature we've ever come across. It's like one long US Weekly book that never gets boring. It's first-hand gossip you can savor like a big, juicy steak.

Considering Glanville became famous only when her husband was caught cheating with an also very married LeAnn Rimes, it's fair to say her life has been in a tailspin for the last few years. And she details every morsel of it in this book (holding out only the parts she's legally bound to not disclose). But she gets very personal about the drugs she's taken. She discusses every minute detail of her vaginal rejuvenation surgery. And more than anything, she rips LeAnn Rimes a new one.

Basically, she's been publicly humiliated, has sh*t to say and doesn't give a f*ck. Here are some of Glanville's best soliloquies from the book.

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Brandi Glanville

See also: *Our Real Housewives archives

1. Brandi Glanville (Last week: 1)
Brandi was our early pick and even though she hit the skids for several weeks, we're starting to get the feeling she might win this whole thing.

Despite being verbally assaulted at every dinner party she's attended this season, Brandi roped nearly every Housewife into joining her in Vegas for a trial run of "Brandi's Night School For Girls," a woman-empowerment program referred to last week on air as "Brandi's Night School Out For Girls" which, while similar, is really the better name. At dinner on the first night, nobody told anybody to go fuck themselves, instead opting to drink rosé, giggle and say "bagina" a whole lot. Then it was off to pole dancing! At which all of the Housewives gave Brandi nothing but love and support and didn't even make fun of her for wearing that shredded onesie swimsuit-looking thing that said "I heart L.A." That's amazing progress.

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Brandi Glanville with Dean Zanuck, who looks like a perfectly nice man to marry

See also: *Our Real Housewives archives

1. Brandi Glanville (Last week: 7)
Omg, how much do you want to attend something called "Brandi's Night School Out for Girls?" That can't possibly be what it's officially titled because it makes no grammatical sense, but still.

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