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Team Single Ladies

See also: *Our Real Housewives archives

1. Taylor Armstrong (Last week: 3)
Taylor gave a motivational speech last night to Brandi Glanville and Camille Grammer reminding them that as single women they must be strong, stronger than any man, because dammit they have less support than everyone else and if they don't band together to keep smilin' and shinin' they'll end up living in a VAN DOWN BY THE RIVER!!!!

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Brandi Glanville holds it together

See also: *Our Real Housewives archives

1. Brandi Glanville (Last week: 2)
We don't say this about Brandi very often, but last night, she was a class act. Class. act. The most recent episode of RHOBH captured her sit-down with Scheana Marie, current waitress at SUR Lounge and budding reality star on Vanderpump Rules, as well as former lovejuice receptacle for Brandi's ex-husband Eddie Cibrian.

In case you hadn't heard, when it was revealed Eddie was having an affair with Leann Rimes, the jilted Scheana Marie took her tears to Access Hollywood to make sure the world knew that she, too, was bangin' the C-lister. And a good thing she did, in a way, since Brandi says Eddie claimed Leann was just a one-time thing.

Still, that doesn't make meeting your husband's former mistress a day at the spa.

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Faye Resnick is havin' none of Brandi Glanville

1. Faye Resnick (Last week: Not ranked)
Faye Resnick has two legs, last time we checked, and she used both of them to kick Brandi Glanville while she was down. Brandi attended Kyle's dinner party just days after she and Adrienne Maloof got into a fight, and once there, she found few of the ladies were on her side. (Save for that one rand-o blonde lady Marisa who piped up in Brandi's defense even though we don't think she's ever met anyone involved. Thanks, Marisa!) Faye, who's been friends with Adrienne for years, led a full court press on Brandi, shaming her for not just for dropping a silent-but-deadly bomb on Adrienne but for generally being a liar, hateful person and all-around attention whore. Eventually, Brandi just got up and left.

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Adrienne Maloof is about to cut a bitch

1. Adrienne Maloof (Last week: 8)
Last night Brandi Glanville dropped a massive bombshell about Adrienne Maloof. Huge. Gargantuan. Off the charts. So major, apparently, that Bravo dare not speak its name.

We kept getting glimpses of it -- snippets of conversation and flashes of shocked faces -- though edited as not to actually reveal whatever said bombshell was. What in God's name did Brandi say about Adrienne?!?

Despite a fruitless attempt to conceal it, a quick search of the internet revealed that allegedly Brandi accused Adrienne and husband Paul Nassif of using a surrogate, claiming they'd lied about having children naturally.

Now here's the thing. A lot of people would say there's absolutely nothing wrong with surrogacy, and even if the rumor is true, the Maloof/Nassifs should have no reason to hide it. And they may be right. But pregnancy and childbearing are extremely personal matters, and if they wished to keep the details private, they should have the freedom to do so.

But Adrienne wins the Pecking Order this week, by a fucking landslide, because she obviously has so. much. money. and such savvy lawyers that she can actually keep Bravo from airing even a hint of the accusation. Let's not forget this is the same network that aired footage of Russell Armstrong, a man who'd only recently offed himself, despite criticism that the show may have had something to do with his suicide. Last year Camille alleged on camera that Russell abused Taylor, which has yet to ever be technically proven. Plus, even if Brandi's statement isn't true, what difference does that make? Half the shit these Housewives spew isn't true. But clearly those rules don't apply to the Maloofs and their legal team, who must have made mince meat out of Andy Cohen and Co. We can't say we don't relish that idea a little bit.

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Taylor Armstrong and Brandi Glanville arm wrestle like men, kiss like ladies

We don't even want to rank the Housewives this week. We really don't. They should be punished for perpetuating the stereotype that when women are alone together, all they do is make out, sniff panties and moon each other. What, ladies, no naked pillow fights? Thanks for ruining everything. But alas, Pecking Order duty calls.

1. Camille Grammer (Last week: 9)
Not only is she still around despite not really being an actual Housewife anymore, she couldn't be more perfectly situated. She's in feuds with virtually no one, she has a hot new man everyone's dying to know about, and she parties with the cool girls while managing not to pull any Joe Francis-esque shenanigans she'd regret in the morning. She has all the Housewife fun with none of the obligations. Sure, she probably misses the paycheck a little, but hey, she divorced Kelsey Grammer with no prenup. She's fine.

2. Kyle Richards (Last week: 6)
Kyle uttered the one thing we've been dying for someone to say all season: "Yolanda, darling, no one is listening to you."

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Kim Richards, H.B.I.C.

1. Kim Richards (Last week: 7)
Kim! Welcome back! In one episode you've gone from snoozy wallflower to H.B.I.C. You and Yolanda Foster are like some warped version of Regina George and Cady Heron from Mean Girls. Yolanda's all "I'm new and I don't really understand girl world" and you're all "Watch this -- I'm gonna make every one of these bitches come to Ojai for the weekend and not tell them they might have to bunk with their mortal enemies, then I'm gonna get them wasted on rosé and so they make fools of themselves while you and I sit around and soberly judge them." BOOM. Kim Richards FTW.

2. Yolanda Foster (Last week: 1)
She's silent but deadly, y'all. And says Kim, for the millionth time, "She has an incredible aura around her." Watch out, she's coming.

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Party at the Fosters

1. Yolanda Foster (Last week: 6)
But we don't get it. We just don't get it. Why are all the other Housewives flocking to the feet of this new girl when she seems about as fun to hang out with as a nun at midnight mass?

Yolanda threw a dinner party on last night's Real Housewives and invited all the gals, mixing it up with superstars of the smooth jazz station, i.e. Chris "the most famous trumpeter in the world" Botti and some former American Idol non-winner. (We guess it was time for the annual Idol reject appearance on RHOBH.)

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Taylor Armstrong, cackling

Taking a cue from Mark Lisanti over at Grantland, we're organizing our Real Housewives of Beverly Hills coverage into a weekly Pecking Order. Check us out every Tuesday to see if your favorite Housewife is in the lead.

1. Portia Umansky (Last week: 4)
Half these Housewives were scared to come to Portia's party for fear of run-ins with frenemies, but showed up anyway all for the love of this adorable four-year-old who throws better parties than Mohamed. Portia's party had a whole petting zoo. It had a bouncy castle. It had a funny hat photo booth. It had unicorns for Chrissakes! What did Mohamed's party have? A camel and a cracked-out mermaid? Portia, FTW.

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Brandi Glanville, holding her own

Taking a cue from Mark Lisanti over at Grantland, we're organizing our Real Housewives of Beverly Hills coverage into a weekly Pecking Order. Check us out every Tuesday to see if your favorite Housewife is in the lead.

We'd love to say the third season of RHOBH kicked off last night with serious fireworks, but it didn't, really. More like firecrackers. Maybe. Or sparklers. Or more like those little popper things you get a New Year's that don't work half the time. But Brandi Glanville told us today to hold tight. "I just know it's the start of something crazy," she says in an interview.

She's got some spring in her step this time around, considering she's now a full-fledged Housewife with an opening line and a diamond to hold and everything. "I think I have a little extra confidence knowing that it's not a trial basis, and I actually appear and get a paycheck, and these girls can't get rid of me," she says with a laugh.

Brandi makes no bones about needing that paycheck. In her blog, Brandi writes, "I need this more than anyone else," and explains to us that's because "they are all very rich. I rent a house. I live month-to-month, and like a lot of people I know, I don't have millions of dollars in the bank just sitting there ... It's a big change for my lifestyle, and its helping me, hopefully, get to the place where I can be independent and not have to worry about whether my ex-husband is working or not."

In other words, Brandi's getting hers, which is noble enough, we think, to put her in our top spot in this week's Real Housewives Pecking Order.

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Andy Cohen and the Real Housewives of Beverly Hills toast the end of Season 2.

Among the middle-aged princesses who've been born out of Bravo's Real Housewives franchise, Andy Cohen has always been king.

As both a high-level network executive and an on-air personality who regularly interviews the women, he's in a unique position to oscillate between superfan and superior. He pals around with the ladies both at cast reunions and on his late-night talk show, where they're frequent guests, yet puts them on the spot with cringe-worthy questions they have no choice but to answer. (When your boss asks you a question, don't you typically answer it?)

Usually it's fun to watch. But the other night during his interview with Beverly Hills Housewife Kim Richards, Andy crossed the line, exploiting his position by conducting a completely inappropriate interview with a woman just days out of rehab.