OctoMom's Apocalyptic Naming of Her Brood
Amid her chaotic homecoming and the continuing shenanigans at 2051 Madonna Lane, La Habra, OctoMom Nadya Suleman's naming of her eight newborns has largely flown under the media's radar. Still, as the infants are released in twos by Kaiser Permanente in Bellflower, it's clear Suleman is intent on bestowing upon them millennial-sounding monikers inspired by the Bible and, perhaps, some tourist shop that sells little glass animals and ceramic lighthouse keepers. Now, "Rod" and "Britney" notwithstanding, most people's names do find Biblical counterparts, and "Noah" and "Jonah" are so Old Testament that now they're back in style. However, Suleman seems to be enamored with the names of the angriest scolds and doomsayers of the Bible. Her tossing in of Maliyah, Nariyah and Makai, with Noah and Jonah, along with Isaiah, Josiah and Jeremiah, suggests a vicarious fascination with those dark corners of the Good Book that nobody talks about, much less quotes.
As one person posted to an "unfortunate baby names" message board, "I think most of the names the Octo-Mom has chosen for her new ones are ridiculous. OK, some are biblical, but the rest sound made up."
How about: They're all biblically ridiculous -- especially since all the children, boy and girl, apparently bear middle names of "Angel." The type of sages conjured by names like Jeremiah or Maliyah suggest, at the very least, muttering desert prophets and, at worst, howler monkeys of the apocalypse. It's as though Suleman is trying to ensure as much future emotional scarring for her children as possible -- before all of them are even home from the incubators. Using an online name "generator" to translate Biblical and Biblical-sounding names into rap names, we offer some secular alternatives:
Noah: Grandmaster Noah A Flavor
Maliyah: Magic M
Isaiah: I Jam
Nariyah: Rich NN Booty Cheeks
Makai: Free Style M
Josiah: Sly Professor J a.k.a. Deacon Loaf
Jeremiah: Fatty J Rage
Jonah: Pugnacious Jonah A
On second thought, maybe OctoMom knows best.