Field of Wet Dreams: New Hands-Free Massager

Forget Sleeper's orgasmatron or Barbarella's Excessive Machine. Among the many dispatches from all corners of the world to hit L.A. Daily's copy desk is RealTouch's announcement of a very real gizmo for men that allows pleasure seekers to seek no further than their own laps -- and laptops. The device is being ballyhooed locally just in time for this weekend's Erotic L.A. Expo at the Convention Center.

Expensive male vibrator

The RealTouch takes the basic drills of autoeroticism, known to man since Adam, to new levels thanks to "advanced haptic technology" -- all for 200 bucks. The setup is simple: A man sitting before a computer inserts his member into a RealTouch, which sort of resembles a large hot dog bun. Then he dials up porn links provided with the kit. Wait a minute -- I think I've got the instructions backwards. Maybe you're supposed to watch the hotties first, then plug in.

Mouse over the hot spots

Anyway, once you're fitted, the RealTouch's moving parts begin massaging the viewer to simulate you-know-what -- or, at least, the feeling of sitting in a Times Square theater, circa 1972. As one product come-on says, "Heating element and lube reservoir add realism to feel like actual penetration." Talk about your interactive media. Instructions include practical tips.

"Keeping RealTouch spot-free after every use is fast and easy," we're told, although "RealTouch is neither dishwasher safe nor machine washable." The company provides the porn in two varieties.

For straights: "RealTouch puts you in the action with your favorite porn stars. RealTouch has an all-star lineup of beautiful women waiting for you, including . . . Jenna Haze, Jada Fire, Ashlynn Brooke, Amy Fisher . . ."

For gays: "Dawson, Brent Corrigan, Francois Sagat, Jarod Steel, Jake Deckard, Roman Heart, Erik Rhode, Jeff Palmer, and Christian are just a few of the stars who you'll be able to experience with RealTouch."

RealTouch will no doubt make a perfect stocking stuffer for Christmas, but probably will not hold much resale value. So far, no word of plans for a Lady RealTouch.

Ordering info here.