LAPD Is All Fretful Over 'Critical Mass' Bike Ride Tonight, Issues Absurd List Of Don'ts
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Now LAPD has released a passive-aggressive statement wishing the riders well but warning there will be no shenanigans.
It'll be a warm night, and the moon's almost full, so maybe police are justified in fearing lots of skinny, stoned people on bikes. Sounding a little like an authority figure on Beavis & Butthead, LAPD listed things it does NOT want to see ...
VandalismThefts / Assaults
*Gluten-free sack lunches
Criminal Threats
Drinking in Public
*Shwag
Smoking/using illicit substances
*Stinky people.
Driving/Riding under the influence
Running red lights/Stop sign
*Necrophilia
Crossing the center line or riding against traffic
*Murder
Is this a bike ride or a biker convention?
For those who dare, the party starts at 7:30 p.m. at Wilshire Boulevard and Western Avenue in Koreatown and goes -- wherever it pleases. Bring your own pepper spray.
*We kid (but the rest of the list is real).
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