50 Ways New York City Pretends It's Not Shitty
The New York patriots at the Village Voice news blog -- our counterpart on America's crappier coast -- have been tooting their own horn so loud lately that we heard it all the way over here in Los Angeles.
Hate to break it to you
So, re: 50 Reasons to Be Pretty Damn Euphoric You Live in New York City, we'd like to express our condolences. Nearly everything you find wonderful about New York City is either a product of some backward "so good it's bad" equation or it's something we do better in L.A.
Cases in point:
49. Drinking coffee four times a day, every day, isn't the exception, it's the rule.Don't even pretend you still feel euphoric after your fourth cup. Especially since each one costs more than a line of cocaine.
39. Sure, we work out next to Alec Baldwin, Padma Lakshmi, and Bridget Moynahan, and walk the streets with Willem Dafoe, Maggie Gyllenhaal, and Tina Fey, but, really, we're kinda too busy with our own lives to notice.Do you really want to compare celebrities with L.A.? That's what we thought. We would list all ours, but we're kinda too busy with our own lives to bother.
35. By the time the rest of the nation has bedbugs, we'll have figured out how to get rid of them. In the meantime, we'll mock them by dressing our dogs up as bedbugs for Halloween. Laugh in the face of fear, New Yorker!Right, because your extermination scientists are making such brilliant headway these days. As for dressing up little dogs for Halloween? We invented that shit.
30. The fact that one-bedroom apartments cost an average minimum of a half-million dollars means we think nothing of spending $12 on lunch.Careful -- your bitter debt pile of self-hatred is showing.
33. There's no shortage of stupid rich people to make fun of.Again. We invented them.
16. Other places have dog and cat people. We have ferret people.Well we have Nigerian Dwarf Goat people. We also have these awesome green things called backyards to keep them in.
13. There is an insane Korean day spa (Spa Castle) waiting for you in Flushing. And Russian and Turkish baths in the East Village.Our favorite is $20 cheaper.
10. Subway rage. Bike-lane rage. Walking rage. Random rage. These are our therapy. Although we all go to therapy, too. No judgments! We bitch, therefore we are.Sounds like that's working out nicely for you. We'll stick to good-old-fashioned passive-aggressive road rage, thanks.
9. Jaywalking is an art form.Have you tried crossing an eight-lane surface street at 5 p.m. in the rush-hour capital of the world? Until then, you're finger-painting.
6. You can be alone, but never feel lonely. And vice versa. But if you die and aren't found until a year later, you won't be the first.Our friends may only be backup job connections, but at least they'd notice if we died without giving them the number of that director dude we sort of knew in college.
1. If you can make it here, you really can make it anywhere. But why would you bother to go anywhere else?Let's see. Maybe because we could have all your lox bagels, museums and pet hipsters while still enjoying fresh produce, the sunshine and the general sense of happiness that comes from only having drunk two cups of coffee and knowing our nearest habitable beach isn't on the Jersey Shore. All without having to -- as you put it -- get "stuck in the rain trying to get a cab without an umbrella carrying all of our laundry having worked 20 hours straight, slept for four, broken up with our significant others, and are now heading back to the office."
In L.A., we live the urban dream while driving "a four-door sedan and shopping in suburban grocery stores with wide aisles and pristine parking lots and having 2.5 children by the age of 28." Sometimes we even smile in between.
And we don't need no touristy T-shirt to rep it. All we need is four fingers and a wicked Chola manicure.