TSA Body Scanner Program Is Super Pervy, Must Be Terminated, Says Appeals Court

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From the "Miss Airport" Calendar, which exists.

A three-judge panel from the Washington, D.C. Circuit Court of Appeals ruled today that TSA's body scanners, better known as porn machines, were installed without notifying the public and seeking comment -- and are therefore illegal under federal law. The program must be halted immediately.

CNET reports that the judges "would not order TSA to immediately halt the full-body screening," but instead told the agency it is expected to "promptly to proceed in a manner consistent with this opinion."

So not an outright ban, more a Four Loko-type warning. Like: If you don't heed our better judgment, you will be taken down by an angry mob, then probably sent to jail forever.

Pushed along by an irate, violated public (and most definitely the infamous Bikini Girl, our favorite L.A. protester ever), the decision comes harsh and early. The TSA body-scanner lawsuit was only filed by the Electronic Privacy Information Center six months ago, in February.

During proceedings, EPIC uncovered all sorts of atrocious government documents, including ones that revealed the "federal agency's plans to expand the use of these systems at railways, stadiums, and elsewhere," and others showing the scanners were never properly tested for radiation.

Within our own conspiracy theory, we're suspicious the scanners are part of a larger, insanely terrifying federal-agency movement to identify people using biometrics -- where nothing is private and everyone is trackable, under a "War on Terror" pretense.

But thankfully, as of today, this porny leg of the operation has been immobilized (and Bikini Girl will have to find herself a hot new cause). Thanks much, your honors!

[@simone_electra/swilson@laweekly.com]