Lindsay Lohan: 5 Easy Steps To Get Your Life Back On Track
The Lincoln Lawyer
1. Hire a driver! This one is so obvious we feel stupid even putting it out there. But it must be said. You have money, right? More money than most of the smart people who take taxis or even hire town cars to drink with a hooker at the Four Seasons, we imagine. Get yourself a goddamned, motherfucking driver now. This will eliminate half your worries, at least. For one, you suck at driving, and that's when you're sober. We lost count of how many accidents/hit-and-run claims/DUIs you have under your belt. You're a worse driver than any Korean, old Jewish lady, Persian yuppie or Mexican gardener in a 1978 Toyota pickup we've ever seen. And that's saying a lot. We know that, especially when you're in L.A., a car is an accessory. And boy, you accessorize right (Porsche is an especially wise choice in vehicles). Impressive. But take a tip from The Lincoln Lawyer and invest in a Town Car. You know what cops do to drunk and/or drugged-up white girls passed out in the back of a Town Car at 2 a.m? Absolutely nothing.