Top 10 Reasons to Love Los Angeles and Never, Ever Leave
You know who annoys us? White people. Lazy, overpaid, entitled, very little knowledge of soccer. Who needs them? Fortunately, Los Angeles is the most diverse city on the planet, according to at least one website we saw once.
More than 200 languages are spoken here, and you can hear all of them at once if you wave a $20 bill outside the Home Depot on Sunset Boulevard.
Nowhere are Americans more ugly and obnoxious then when watching, talking about or standing in close proximity to football. Los Angeles residents are seemingly inoculated against the sport (which takes three hours to watch but comprises 12 minutes of actual play, as found by the Wall Street Journal) as if by Pasteur himself.
Despite being the second-largest city in the U.S., and the core of the seventh-largest economic center in the world, football teams have a history of fleeing Los Angeles like it's a hick backwater. The NFL treats L.A. like a stepsister on prom night. And after a company declared it would build a stadium in the heart of downtown, the company was put up for sale by its reclusive owner. Months later, L.A. is still the land that football forgot. So far, no protest marches.
The top misconception about Los Angeles is that it's a city. It's not. It's like 12 cities awkwardly stapled together, bisected by a bunch of freeways and a mountain range. Check out how many U.S. cities fit inside L.A.: Boston fits snugly inside Echo Park/Silver Lake/Los Feliz (the Tri-Hipster Area); St. Louis is swallowed up by just the West San Fernando Valley; and tiny little Manhattan is a mere fraction of City Council District 15, which most Angelenos couldn't even find on a map.
The point is, L.A. has something for everyone. Looking for your suburban box house, oak tree and picket fence? There's a Los Angeles neighborhood for that due north of the Hollywood Hills. Want to drink hard and hook up with a leather daddy? There's a very close-in L.A. dining-and-partying suburb for that. Want to buy an "artist's loft" that's really just a small apartment worth a fraction of what its current owner paid? There's a bustling, skyscraper-dominated Los Angeles neighborhood for that.
You can move from one end of the city to another and none of your old friends will ever run into you -- they'll think you died or got cast in a serial.
So see? You never, ever have to leave.