10 L.A. Gays You've Probably Dated
After the Weekly's piece a few weeks ago about the 10 guys that every girl in L.A. has probably dated, an Angeleno writer who goes by Brian Wilson -- yes, not his real name, but good enough for us -- offered to give us his take on the gay scene. Here's his top 10.
PHOTO BY LINA LECARO When the eye candy is this cute, it's hard to say no -- but not every L.A. gay is a good bet.
10. The Guy Who Only Exists Virtually
Maybe you've seen him around town -- easily recognizable by that eerie, Grindr-orange glow --or you've lusted after him online (what is a "date" these days, anyway? Does a three-hour conversation on Growlr count? Sure, why the hell not? This is the part where we break down sobbing.) His profile picture is professionally shot, capturing his comely, not-overeager smile perfectly. He's witty, always down to chat, shares all your interests -- and somehow never has time to get together for a drink. Ever. Because he's an illusion, or because he uses gay dating networks to get off on the ego boost, or because he's just that bored. Either way, he's a dangerous waste of time.
9. The Guy Whose Entire Social Life Is Constructed Around The Abbey
You know how you can spend 20 full minutes getting from one side of that dance floor to the other? For this guy, it takes him an hour, because he has to stop and chat -- with blaring, frenetic EDM playing and strippers with legs as thick as telephone poles gyrating around him -- with 15 people he knows on the way over. His normal Friday night consists of dinner on the patio, followed by drinks in the bar, post-drinks conversation on the patio, a night out in the club, then recovery time and late-night munchies in that weird room that looks like the waiting area for an Indiana Jones ride. A night of passion with this guy is as fun as any other, but if he knows more than one stripper in the place personally, dating him is checking yourself into Hotel Abbey.
See also: Is L.A. Gay Pride an Outdated, Adolescent Mess?
8. The Ex-Twink Hipster
This guy spent his youth reveling in bubblegum dance pop, obsessing over every twitch of Britney Spears' arm. Then something changed. Was it puberty? Maturity? The existential dread that descends when one realizes one is older than half the guys at Fiesta Cantina? It's enough to drive a guy to change everything about himself -- and so this guy did. His lack of knowledge on any non-charting music released before 2010 is proof positive he's led a double-life. Catch him on your first date at Intelligentsia (where he works) trying to convince you Arcade Fire is the best band ever known to man -- and admitting he's never listened to Modest Mouse.
Turn the page for more L.A. gays you've probably dated, including the one who's just not that into you (but is into himself).