Adam D.

So don't get a DUI on the beer holiday that Mexico doesn't even consider to be that important. The weekend will really just be an extended amateur hour out there. And there's going to be a massive full moon Saturday. The loons will be out.

And so will the cops:

hodag

After the Los Angeles Times yesterday reported that six -- six! -- teens in the San Fernando Valley showed up in emergency rooms after drinking hand sanitizer (for its alcohol content) in recent months, the paper set off a firestorm about this latest hardcore drug that "could" -- could! -- "signal a dangerous trend" (sparked, no doubt, by news media ... ).

Well, we've got news for you parents: Your cupboards are filled with stuff that's worse than any -- any! -- barrio crack house. Here's our Top 5:

aaaaaaa

Sanchez had allegedly taken four shots on his Emirates flight from Dubai.

Early on Tuesday, an L.A. County man who had been traveling abroad for almost a year -- but who was returning to California for rehab -- tried to take down two CBP officers when they asked for identification, FBI officials tell the Daily Breeze.

The officers reportedly spotted 46-year-old Hiram Sanchez...

This fiery scene on the 134 Freeway brought to you by a drunk driver (allegedly.)

You have a little too much, you get in your car, you start up the engine.

It's a stupid idea -- and even stupider if you can't avoid hitting the huge double-rig tanker that's carrying over 6,000 gallons of oil. The tanker fire at I- 5 and the 134 Freeway dominated headlines this weekend, and here's how it went down:

kate a la mode

One theory holds that drinking loosens up your inhibitions, allowing you to be with the person you would be with if you weren't so shy.

The other, which is gaining traction this spring, says that alcohol really does help to make ugly people more attractive in your eyes:

thecampussocialite.com

Party's over, Pauli.

Originally posted at 6:45 a.m.

The first annual Los Angeles Beerathon -- set for Saturday, March 31 -- has been called off by the California Department of Alcoholic Beverage Control.

Sabastien Barre

And, of course, your friendly, neighborhood police officer is fully ready to haul you into jail. On top of that, St. Patrick's Day this year falls on a Saturday (this Saturday), which should fuel the alcoholic fire with legions of amateurs.

Don't test the luck of the Irish:

dracula stuff

The 35-year-old from Arcadia was arrested this week after federal authorities accused him of selling what is essentially expensive, counterfeit wine that would have been worth $1.3 million had it been real.

What's really strange about this story is that ...

Facebook

Preciado was the Pythons' No. 77.

A 17-year-old Panorama Senior High School football player might have died over the weekend as a result of a night of binge drinking, according to reports.

Salvador Preciado was found dead about 9 a.m. Saturday in a home in the 8500 block of Cedros Avenue in Panorama City, according to the L.A. County Coroner's office. Coroner's officials told the Weekly it's not clear what killed him -- they haven't done an autopsy yet.

But the teen's mother, Irma Guevara, told CBS Los Angeles that ...

Warner Bros.

'The Hangover.'

Admit it. The Hangover made you want to live out that kind of Vegas weekend (if you haven't already).

Now imagine you're 14. Yeah. Research published this week in the journal BMJ Open says Hollywood films with lots of hooch make American teenagers not only want to down a few, but binge drink as well:

NFL

Thought so.

Nothing like a few bars to make a big, football-loving brawler turn into a bawl-er.

Ever the Buzz Killington, the LAPD is going balls out -- no pun intended -- for Superbowl weekend, including a "saturation patrol" and DUI checkpoints.

We're putting our money on them. So here's the deal, sports fans:

ESPN2

Sajak.

Pat Sajak says that in his early years hosting the TV game show Wheel of Fortune he would straight-up get drunk during breaks. And he said "hostess" Vanna White joined him.

That would be in the 1980s, friends, time of the Jordache jean. Here's how Sajak explained it on ESPN2:

Jonny Boy

Be very afraid, girls: Starbucks no longer a safe haven from drunk-tards hitting on you.

Our local Starbucks could already use a bouncer to defend caffeine addicts against the crack addicts (not to mention the aggressively bad, ready made sandwiches), so anything 40 proof would just be the whipped cream on top.

Genius:

Golden Globes

Alcohol can more than double your lifespan ... if you're a worm.

The brainiacs at UCLA have discovered that giving 1 millimeter-long roundworms just a little nip of hooch dramatically increased their time on earth.

Steven Clarke, a UCLA professor of biochemistry and the senior author of the resulting study, called the find "shocking."

Ray Axe

Yeah, the Buzz Killingtons will be out in full force not far from the Cahuenga Corridor clubbing mecca tonight in a seek-and-destroy mission targeting drunk drivers. And that's just about everybody in that area at night.

So here's your warning:

The first step is admitting it:

More than 38 million of us binge drink about four times a month (only?), having as many as 8 drinks in a sitting (lightweights).

In some nations across the Atlantic -- Germany, England, the Netherlands -- this is called being a pussy.

But in the U.S. of A it's cause for breathless concern:

Los Globos / Facebook

A flier for Silver Lake's Los Globos club.

We can take it.

But we have to call b.s. on this particular list.

The Daily Beast's latest "America's Drunkest Cities" roundup, just published, does not even put L.A. on the map.

You got that right, as amateurs from the Westside to the San Gabriel Valley anticipate the drunk-tard national holiday known as New Year's Eve ...

Frank V.

If the pilgrims and colonizers were around today they'd be greeted with handcuffs and huge fines (America's settlers apparently loved brew). Good thing motorized vehicles and pepper spray weren't invented yet.

Here's Turkey weekend DUI checkpoint and patrol cheat sheet. Be thankful we told you:

B C

Woop-woop.

The LAPD is just getting warmed up, and you haven't even bought your turkey yet.

The department has three -- count 'em -- three DUI enforcement operations happening this weekend, including a dreaded drunk-driver checkpoint in Koreatown Friday night.

Here's the rundown:

No computer necessary here.

Now the geeks at USC have developed a computer program that pretty much tell if you're DUI just by listening to you talk. (Thanks guys).

The good news is that the program isn't foolproof. And the cops don't have their hands on it yet. Nope. USC Viterbi School of Engineering's Signal Analysis and Interpretation Laboratory (SAIL) students developed their analysis tool for the International Speech Communication Association annual conference and competition. And ...