Prepare to get sucker-punched.

Updated after the jump: A witness confirms the girl-in-the-front-row story. Meanwhile, Kagan, who sounds like he's having the worst week ever, gets really, really mad at us. He also calls his attacker a "fucking lunatic felon" and the Improv a chicken-wing factory.

Originally posted at 12:05 p.m.

General etiquette at any Hollywood comedy show: When the stand-up comic on the stage derails from his script to poke fun at you or a loved one, you grin and bear it. (Are we right? Stand-up is not for the sensitive at heart!)

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If only they had these things back when American Pie came out!

AMC gave the Motion Pictures Association of America a big old middle finger today, posting a printable Bully permission slip to its website. All kids have to do is get their parents to sign and date the thing, and they'll be admitted to any AMC screening of the documentary.

The Weinstein Company, who produced the film and has been fighting for its universal viewage, already had their middle-finger moment on Monday...

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HBO

Prepare to die.

Turns out David Milch and Michael Mann's hardcore new horse-racing show for HBO, the extremely well-received Luck, was a little too realistic for comfort.

PETA started the flamewar last month, enraged at the news that two horses had to be put down in a single season. And when word came today of a third horsey death, HBO caved to the pressure -- canceling the show entirely, halfway through a second season of filming.

But in the hard, fast world of THE races, three casualties is nothing:

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From "The 20 Most Flawless, Perfect Pictures of Ryan Gosling at the Airport." Really.

You're welcome, Time Warner, for the free publicity. Don't get used to it. But this time, you knew exactly how to rope a lady blogger into covering your clunky, last-century cable services: all Ryan Gosling, all the time.

Gosling's marketability goes so far beyond hot-young-actor. These last couple years, he's become the Internet's ultimate girl meme -- especially via Tumblr. Call him the porn star of romance.

"Ryan Gosling on Demand" month? Genius.

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F off, daddy.

Little treat for First Amendment advocates on next week's episode of "Modern Family": Adopted two-year-old Lily will drop the F bomb all over set, much to the horror of her two dads. (Gay parents! Curse words! The controversies of the '90s are alive on prime time.)

Titled "Little Bo Bleep," the episode is perhaps not so accidentally aligned with a Supreme Court hearing today on the Federal Communications Commission's right to fine TV networks for airing profanity or nudity.

The fight between the FCC and and the entertainment industry has been a long and messy one...

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Paramount

Oh no you didn't.

Low-budget horror film "The Devil Inside" made a killing (har har) on its opening weekend: $34.5 million. But that didn't stop employees at the AMC Santa Anita 16 from tattling on a man who whipped out his cellphone cam at the movie's midnight premiere.

Arcadia police showed up to the small-town Valley theater just after 1:30 a.m., where they cuffed 29-year-old Michael Johnson for violation of California's film piracy law.

Though Johnson told cops that "he was taking the footage for his wife who was home sick" ...

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flashmobamerica via YouTube

Can we get an awwwww.

Flash Mob America has news for you: When it comes to marriage proposals, flash mobs are the new baseball-game billboards! Or sky messages! Or tombstones, as the case may be! Thus completing the transition of the flash-mob concept from rebel's rally to gushy Hallmark musical. (See also: Disney flash mob at Apple Store, PacSun flash mob at the Grove.)

OK, we'll shut up now. This marriage proposal, set beneath the study lounge where former UCLA students Trang and Nam first met, is the cutest thing ever. In fact, we shed a single tear on our keyboard, and now the question-mark key doesn't work. Damn you, cute people!

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Getty Images

'Twas the holy matrimony heard round the world: The great Prince William wed his favorite muggle, an impossibly lacy Kate Middleton, through the wee hours (PDT) last night. As soon as Kate stepped out of the queen's Rolls Royce, Hollywood's toughest and snarkiest critics were reduced to toe-kissing serfs with an incurable case of the love bug. Not a party pooper in the place.

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YouTube

iDisney

As far as flash mobs go -- within that zany, renegade art form of creating sudden chaos in an agreed-upon public location -- it doesn't get more corporate than reenacting a scene from a made-for-TV Disney movie in an Apple Store. At Eastertime, no less!

But apparently, no flash mob is cute/friendly enough for Apple, whose employees at the Grove location in Mid-City L.A. appear to have ushered out the squeaky-clean stars of Disney's recently released "Lemonade Mouth" during their best attempt at chaos last weekend.

Granted, the Apple staffers were still smiling...

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Long Beach Press-Telegram

Is she real?

TGIF, people. And TG for women willing to strut around for half the population of Long Beach in bikinis the size of baby bibs. Especially when they look like three-time winner Venus Strong.

There's some pretty stiff competition for hottest 39-year-old to currently roam the Earth. Namely, Christina Applegate; the ageless, flawless Erykah Badu; and, uh, Christina Applegate. But something about Miss Toyota Grand Prix 2011 -- her plastic surgerylessness, the fact that she's a real-life sexy physician, her freaking bellybutton, perhaps -- makes us all, what's an applegate?

And 39 is an important age to be in the LBC this year:

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YouTube

Please stop

In what is possibly the most god-awful celebrity fragrance commercial since Britney Spears' fairyland "Fantasy," Valley entrepreneur Khloe Kardashian enlists her otherwise pretty bad-ass boyfriend, thoroughly whipped Lakers star Lamar Odom, for a unisex perfume/cologne spot that has us more spooked than that Patrick Swayze/Demi Moore two-become-one scene in "Ghost."

And that's saying something.

Not only is it terrible from any sort of artistic point of view (get a load of them squiggles), "Unbreakable" is downright creepy. "There's something sexy about a couple sharing a scent," says Khloe in her best "I'm just as hot as Kim, I swear" voice, after blowing a kiss that could kill 100 kittens. No, Khloe -- no there's not. Watch at your own risk:

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This Old House

Quaint no more

We missed the first-ever Los Angeles episode of "This Old House" on PBS last night (we blame it on dirty liar and former Los Angeles School Police Officer Jeffrey Stenroos, what with his shameful breaking news), but judging by the preview, looks like it was cute as hell.

"Oh Norm, I could get used to this," says Kevin O'Connor, co-host of the show, in his gooberiest tourist voice while skateboarding down the Venice Beach Boardwalk. "A house project in sunny California. This place has got everything!"

We can kind of guess where things went from there.

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babble.com

Charlie Sheen's other tummy problem

Updated after the jump: Might Charlie's stomach pains have had something to do with a TMZ-touted "briefcase of cocaine"? Or did he just... wait for it... laugh too hard?

Not sure why we care, but Charlie Sheen's been in the emergency room at Cedars-Sinai Medical Center all morning, suffering from what his his publicist calls "severe abdominal pains.''

Let's see, what could it be from... Four Loko bong? S&M whip to the midriff? Deep intestinal self-loathing? Uh... appendix?

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Don't tell Seacrest -- Larry shops Juicy

Larry King was looking all kinds of fly in three different shades of purple last night on the freshly revived "Conan." But for once, we looked past the suspender/tie/button-up combo to a whole new side of Larry: his bottom half.

Before you go calling us geriatric sickos, know that it was Larry who brought his pants up in the first place. He reminisced about the days when there used to be "a lot of room beneath the crotch," and gave us a little twirl to model how nicely the new ones fit.

Who do we have to thank for the King's sultry makeover?

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Laemmle Music Hall.

It looks like Beverly Hills' Laemmle Music Hall 3 will be the next of the great old movie theaters to fall in Los Angeles.

The Beverly Hills Courier reports this week that the Laemmle folks will likely pull out in April as a result of a rent increase they can't absorb; it's possible the circa-1938 building will be put up for lease for non-theater uses such as office space.

Laemmle president Greg Laemmle told the paper this:

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Columbus Dispatch / YouTube

SEO star of the century

Why are we all so obsessed with Ted Williams, Ohio bum turned hottest item on the vocal-chord market since Justin Bieber?

Unlike the Biebs, we're thinking his long, flowing (dread)locks couldn't have much to do with it.

But the two YouTube stars do have one very essential thing in common: a classic rags-to-riches story. We're absolute suckers for 'em. And no one likes rags-to-riches stories more than Dr. Phil McGraw (except for maybe Oprah, and she was hot on Williams' trail, like, days ago).

RadarOnline reported this morning that after Williams taped a stint on the "doctor's" show last night -- scheduled to air tomorrow -- he agreed to start attending rehab in Los Angeles.

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Game Informer

Ah, to play (and star in) video games for money

Hey -- we wanna do that! Video-game blogger Dan Ryckert, over at Game Informer, is making us feel like we definitely picked the wrong beat of this career with some detailed escapades into the realm of virtual reality.

Ryckert scored the part of retro L.A. journalist on the insanely hyped "L.A. Noire" game, set for release in September, and got to sit in a "Space Odyssey"-esque control room for a complete cyber recreation of himself, courtesy of Rockstar Games.

Game reviewers who were sent a demo one year early -- again, wow, wrong job -- are saying "L.A. Noire" might be the most realistic gaming experience of all time. And from Ryckert's account, we're apt to believe it:

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Weenie winner: Cal Poly's 2010 Rose Float

Update Sunday afternoon: The students at Poly win again, clever things. See Viewer's Choice 2011 float on jump.

You've got less than two hours to online vote or text vote for the best 2011 Rose Parade float. The Viewer's Choice has gone for two years to the Cal Poly University float thanks to a highly dedicated effort by students from the Poly campuses in Pomona and San Luis Obispo.

But the Cal Poly float is kind of weenie.

Vote here online before 2:10 pm today, Pacific time. Or choose a float's ID number from that Web site, and then text "FLOAT" followed by the Float I.D. to 50649.

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NASA

NASA's 2007 float: worth the wait

Boy, the annual New Year's Eve campout along the Rose Parade route in Pasadena sounds like a barrel of fun this year!

Police are warning they'll be stricter than ever on the exhaustive list of parade rules, including fun-extinguishing items like: "Throwing any projectile into the parade, including seemingly harmless items such as tortillas, marshmallows, flowers, etc., is prohibited."

The full set of "cans" and "can'ts," courtesy of the Pasadena Fire Department:

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Hugh Hefner's latest boob job

The horniest old man in history has never let age be more than a number, and his youthful Twitter account -- clocking in at 21 Tweets yesterday -- is further testament to the man's utterly ageless, uh, text-erity. (Unless he's got a Playmate on smart-phone duty, too.)

And boy, does 84-year-old Playboy founder Hugh Hefner have something to Tweet about. Looks like he's in love again -- this time, with 24-year-old Crystal Harris, or Playmate of the Month for December 2009.

So last year, right? And whatever happened to that Holly chick?

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