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The Best Comeback to 'L.A. Is a Heavenly Place,' CNN's Embarrassing Love Note to Los Angeles

By Simone Wilson Fri., May 4 2012 at 12:45 PM
Categories: Rants

jennifer wolfe.jpg
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CNN's Jennifer Wolfe says L.A. comes with "a double helping of sun, sand, surf and smiles."
We're tickled, of course, that CNN thinks "L.A. Is a Heavenly Place." We do, too!

But as so many L.A.-ophiles discovered upon actually reading the meat of the article, writer Jennifer Wolfe thinks of L.A. like a postcard, not the smoggy grimy wasteland we've come to call heaven.

The piece is part of a New York vs. L.A. "city smackdown" (way to troll 'em, CNN!)...

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Chris Saint-Hilaire, CNN, Jennifer Wolfe, L.A. Is a Heavenly Place
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Rants

Amazing Rants Overheard at Los Angeles Post Offices: No Mango Knows About Prison!

By Alan Scherstuhl Mon., Apr. 18 2011 at 9:00 AM
Categories: Rants
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 Ranter: Tiny, elderly woman in a pink straw hat; fortyish guy in sunglasses applauding her.

Location: The sidewalk outside the post office at 4951 West Washington

Time: 11 a.m. on a Thursday

Topics Covered: Injustices of the justice system; the inadequacy of CalFresh; how each generation is increasingly unmoored from all preceding generations; a melon Rrevolution; the preponderance of processed foods in south Los Angeles; how long it takes a fruit to ripen; fruit's limited knowledge of the penal system.

Does Rant Include Advice About Whom You Should Not Fuck With? Yes, the people. More »
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Studies in Crap

Amazing Rants Overheard on Los Angeles Buses: NBC's Loss

By Alan Scherstuhl Sun., Apr. 10 2011 at 9:00 AM
Categories: Rants, Studies in Crap
busrantstiltsup.gif
 Ranter: Fortyish fellow in bowler hat and polo-shirt

Location: #2 Bus, headed west from Sunset & Vermont

Time: 7:15 p.m. On a Wednesday

Topics Covered: The lingering pain of Jay Leno at 9 p.m.; NBC's desperation; the difficulty of arranging a network-level meeting; how not to land a big deal; terribly cruel workplace mindgames.

Does Rant Include Advice About Whom You Should Not Fuck With: Yeah, this guy's co-worker.

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Rants

Amazing Rants Overheard at Venice Beach: Worried About Christian Slater

By Alan Scherstuhl Mon., Mar. 28 2011 at 9:00 AM
Categories: Rants
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 Ranter: An American guy in snappy Western shirt and a young woman with an Indian accent, both apparently baked

Location: Venice Beach boardwalk

Time: 5:30 p.m. on a Thursday

Topics Covered: The complexities of American currency; the complexities of plural nouns ending in -s; the pleasures of violating grammatical rules; life with a chauffeur; life without a chauffeur; Oprah's distance from ordinary life; things Christian Slater should and should not do for himself and for strangers.

The Rant:

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Tags:

Christian Slater, rants, Venice Beach Boardwalk
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Rants

San Onofre Nuclear Plant Mounts Info Blackout When We Want to Know Most

By Dennis Romero Tue., Mar. 22 2011 at 7:08 AM
Categories: Rants

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San Onofre.
So people are scared again about the safety of nuclear power. President Obama has ordered a review of plant safety across the nation. California's two U.S. Senators want the Nuclear Regulatory Commission to conduct inspections of the two generating stations in the state. And California lawmakers met this week to discuss nuclear safety.

You need to get the people's approval to keep on generating radioactive power. So what do you do if you're the San Onofre Nuclear Generating Station in Southern California?

You clam up.

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Fukushima, Japan, nuclear power, San Onofre, SONGS
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Rants

Amazing Rants Overheard on Los Angeles Buses: "That Would Be a Hate Crime!"

By Alan Scherstuhl Mon., Mar. 21 2011 at 9:00 AM
Categories: Rants
busrantstiltsup.gif
 Rant: "That Would Be a Hate Crime!"

Ranters: Young man in "Legalize Gay" T-shirt; Perplexed Dude in Dodgers gear

Location: 217 bus, headed north on Fairfax

Time: 11:30 a.m. on a Tuesday

Topics Covered: Staring on buses; whether being stared at is the fault of the starer or staree; how being fascinated by public gayness does not necessarily make one gay; societal disapproval of heterosexuals expressing group pride; how the identity of an insulter might compromise the insult.

Does Rant Include Advice on Whom You Should Not Fuck With: Not directly.

The Rant:

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Rants

Amazing Rants Overheard in LA Yogurt Shops: "A Verbal, Oral Contract"

By Alan Scherstuhl Mon., Mar. 14 2011 at 9:00 AM
Categories: Rants
froyorants.gif
 Ranter: College girl in black tights and sunglasses, shouting into her iPhone

Location: 21 Choices yogurt shop at Jefferson & Hoover, near USC

Time: 4:30 p.m. last Saturday

Topics Covered: The dangers of spoken agreements; Los Angeles rents; multiculturalism as an inconvenience; the differences between South L.A. and the suburbs; the way renegotiations lead to further renegotiations.

Does Rant Include Advice on Whom You Should Not Fuck With: No, but the specter of being fucked with haunts it.

The Rant:

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rants
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Rants

Amazing Rants Overheard in LA: "I'm just traveling."

By Alan Scherstuhl Mon., Mar. 7 2011 at 9:00 AM
Categories: Rants
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 Ranter: Man of about 60 wearing denim shirt, cap and jeans.

Location: 714 bus, eastbound on Beverly

Time: 4:45 p.m. on a Monday

Topics Covered: The relationship between Republican executive leadership and on-the-ground economic conditions; Hovervilles; how homelessness with a goal in mind isn't homelessness; how knighthood worked; love.

Does Rant Include Advice on Whom You Should Not Fuck With? Yes, various George Bushes.

The Rant:

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Rants

Amazing Rants Overheard in LA: "She's Probably Got Some Dollar General Specials"

By Alan Scherstuhl Mon., Feb. 28 2011 at 9:00 AM
Categories: Rants
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 Ranter: Two teen girls, one blissed out and one itching for a fight, both sitting with silent, amused, affectionate boys

Location: 38 Bus, headed west on Jefferson

Time: 11:30 p.m. on a Friday

Topics Covered: Private space in the public sphere; apparent similarities between Spanish and Chinese; the high price of quality footwear; the conditions under which shit is likely to start; the difference between American and Mexican public transportation; reasons to be happy in 2011.

Does Rant Include Advice on Whom You Should Not Fuck With: Yes

The Rant:

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Sex

No More Sexy Time Across the State Line? Nevada Sen. Harry Reid Wants To Ban Brothels

By Simone Wilson Wed., Feb. 23 2011 at 3:28 PM
Categories: Rants, Sex

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PHOTO BY KEVIN SCANLON
Hey square-y Harry: 20-year-old Clara begs to differ
Note to future politicians: When you become a droopy old Democrat with nothing left to get you hard but same-sex marriage and a $30 billion golf course, try not to rain on everyone else's parade by making some boner-kill speech about how bad the sex trade is for the economy.

U.S. Senator Harry Reid learned the hard way yesterday, when his case for banning brothels in Nevada gave way to a silent, scowling Carson City auditorium and what will surely be a lifelong ban from the sexiest (legal) sleepovers money can buy in the otherwise prudish U.S. of A.

Here at the Weekly...

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brothels, Carson City, Harry Reid, Las Vegas, Nevada, prostitutes
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Rants

Amazing Rants Overheard in LA: "I could make a million."

By Alan Scherstuhl Mon., Feb. 21 2011 at 9:00 AM
Categories: Rants
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 Ranter: Noisy TV writer in his late forties

Location: Langer's Deli, 704 S. Alvarado

Time: Noon on a Thursday

Topics Covered: Salary differences between regular writers and creators; projects maybe worth getting to if pilot season doesn't work out; the joys of TV writing; cautionary tales; the failure of Cheers money to guarantee love; the human cost of the demise of R-rated action movies.

Does Rant Include Advice on Whom You Should Not Fuck With: No.

The Rant:

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Tags:

Cheers, Langers, rants, TV writers, Venice
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Rants

Amazing Rants Overheard in LA: He Ain't Sexing No Chickens

By Alan Scherstuhl Mon., Feb. 14 2011 at 9:00 AM
Categories: Rants
Thumbnail image for labusranttr3.jpeg
 Ranter: A firm believer in society's proscribed gender roles, aged 50 or so and wearing a straw hat

Location: Bus stop, Vermont and Pico

Time: Lunchtime on a Wednesday

Topics Covered: What you see in Hollywood vs. what you might see in South Los Angeles; failures of perception among guests on Jerry Springer; the size of men's hands; the ease with which ranter can determine gender; the possibility of making a career out of gender determinations.

Does Rant Include Advice on Whom You Should Not Fuck With: No, but it does offer some unfortunate suggestions for the transgendered.

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poultry, rants, transexual
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Rants

Amazing Rants Overheard on L.A. Buses: "That's How a Hit Starts"

By Alan Scherstuhl Mon., Feb. 7 2011 at 9:00 AM
Categories: Rants
Thumbnail image for labusranttr3.jpeg
 Ranter: Tuneful Young Man and his Sleepy-Eyed Girlfriend, both in their mid-to-late teens

Location: 302 bus headed west from Sunset & Gower

Time: 5:00 p.m. on a late January Thursday

Topics Covered: The value and difficulty of making long-term relationships work; the primacy of self; why singers no longer have to be able to sing; the relationship between hit songs and the popular vernacular; Facebook; rug shopping.

Does Rant Include Advice on Whom You Should Not Fuck With: No

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Rants

Amazing Rants Overheard in LA: " Do Not Look at Me With Your Eyes!"

By Alan Scherstuhl Mon., Jan. 31 2011 at 9:00 AM
Categories: Rants
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Ranter: Teensy and furious fifty-something woman whose accent suggests the West Indies

Location: 720 Bus, headed west on Wilshire

Time: 3 p.m. on a Monday

Topics Covered: Whether no response to a question can be considered an answer; the tendency of white people to lie; abortion as solution to disputes of seat etiquette; the rules regarding those seats at the front of the bus; ways to be sure that someone remembers you.

Does Rant Include Advice on Whom You Should Not Fuck With: Dear God, yes

The Rant:More »

Tags:

bus rants, Los Angeles weirdness
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Crazytown

Mazatlan, Mexico Is Too Street for L.A. Disney Cruise Line (VIDEO)

By Simone Wilson Thu., Jan. 27 2011 at 3:59 PM
Categories: Crazytown, Rants

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bebebloom via IgoUgo
Mazatlan: Not as tourist-friendly as meets the eye?
OK, we admit, Mexico's kind of scary, what with all the drugs and guns and freaky brown people running around. But is Mazatlan -- one of the only luxury-cruise stops that actually feels a tad bit like a real city, as opposed to a manufactured island photo op -- really too dangerous for the fat 'n' happy American cruise crowd altogether?

According to the Disney Cruise Line, oh hell yes.

Because with a real city comes pickpockets, peeping Toms, scammers and worse. Especially a real city in Mexico. And that, Disney says, is not what a family vacation is all about.

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Tags:

Carnival Cruise Lines, cartels, crime rate, Disney, Disney Cruise Lines, drug war, Mexico, Port of Los Angeles, robber, Sinaloa
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Rants

Amazing Rants Overheard in LA: "That's a Kick-Ass Name for a Robot"

By Alan Scherstuhl Mon., Jan. 17 2011 at 9:00 AM
Categories: Rants
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Ranters: Teenage girl in black skirt, black leggings, and a gold-and-yelow Harry Potter scarf; sleepy-eyed teenage boy in puffy vest.

Location: Bus stop, Wilshire & Vermont

Time: 6 p.m. on a December Thursday

Topics Covered: Ratio of intelligence to breast size in a mutual acquaintance; feigned stupidity as a social tool; Metro station décor; the end of cinema; dubious Star Wars trivia.

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bus rants, C3P0, death of film, kids today, Star Wars, Steven Spielberg
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Rants

Amazing Rants Overheard in LA: "What kind of homeland security is that?"

By Alan Scherstuhl Mon., Jan. 3 2011 at 9:00 AM
Categories: Rants
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Ranter: Thirtyish man in running shoes and green suit

Location: Bank of America ATM machines, Jefferson & McClintock

Time: 6 p.m. on a Thursday

Topics Covered: Suspicious security guards, the fact that ranter doesn't drink at lunch; the presumption of innocence; why ranter might be moved to drink at lunch anyway; the pains of being profiled; invasive investigations; the likelihood of terrorist acts being committed with Mexican food.

Does Rant Include Advice on Whom You Should or Should Not Fuck With?: Yes, if we can count the burrito.More »
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Rants

Amazing Rants Overheard on L.A. Buses: "That's What LaToya Was Saying"

By Alan Scherstuhl Mon., Dec. 27 2010 at 9:00 AM
Categories: Rants
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Ranters: Stout fiftyish man in black suit and straw hat; slender fortyish woman in dark tracksuit

Location: 81 bus headed south on Figeuora

Time: 11:15 p.m., Thursday

Does Rant Include Advice on Who You Should and Should Not Fuck With? Yes, Michael Jackson.

Topics Covered:
The responsibilities of anesthesiologists, death as a windfall, the difference between God and anesthesiologists, men who cry, the tricky practical considerations that go into a Michael Jackson Halloween costume, that skin-whitening disease, the purposefulness of seemingly vain and ill-considered behavior.
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bus rants, Michael Jackson
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Rants

Amazing Rants Overheard at Venice Beach: "Journalists are the dogs of war!"

By Alan Scherstuhl Mon., Dec. 20 2010 at 9:00 AM
Categories: Rants
venicebeachrantlogo.gif

Ranter: Fifty year-old businessman from Ghana

Location: Inka Deli, 1425 Ocean Front Walk, Venice Beach

Time: 1 p.m. on a Monday

Topics Covered: The mercenary nature of journalism; English's many different terms for butler; mysterious blood rituals; how and why reporters insinuate without directly accusing; the beauty of Las Vegas; how best to deal with journalists.
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Rants

Amazing Rants Overheard at L.A. Bus Stops: "Why's it got to be with me?"

By Alan Scherstuhl Mon., Dec. 13 2010 at 9:00 AM
Categories: Rants
busrantstiltsup.gif
 Ranter: Homeless man lying on cardboard beneath a tree

Location: Bus stop, that lick of hot concrete and two trees at 3rd & Main

Time: Noon on a Saturday

Topics Covered: The varying levels of authority granted to municipal safety officers; district safety officer uniforms; whose ass the city does or does not exercise ownership over; whose name is whose business; the arbitrary nature of selective enforcement.

Does Rant Include Advice Regarding Who You Should and Should Not Fuck With: Yes.

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