girlscouts.org

If Southern California had its own Florida -- you know, a place where all the crazy-dumb crime happens -- it would be the Inland Empire.

True to form, cops last night announced the arrest of Colin Sawyer, a 20-year-old super-tough guy whom they say stole cash from a Girl Scout cookie sale right from under the noses of a surly bunch: Girl Scouts themselves.

Yep:

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barecasting.com

As part of our ongoing series about becoming a proper and successful criminal, we bring you another lesson in How Not to Do It.

In this episode we will focus on the case of suspected gangsters Miguel Ortiz, 33, and Sergio Maldonado, 25, who cops say kidnapped a guy in Lennox and forced him to drive them to ... a strip club.

Where they remained!

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LASD

A teen mom was arrested after L.A. County sheriff's deputies said they had to rescue her 2-week-old infant girl and one-year-old baby boy from the backseat of her 110-degree, black car.

The children were "hot and moist to the touch" and were taken to a hospital by paramedics, according to a sheriff's statement: Cops' estimated they had been inside the Honda Civic, as the mother allegedly left them to go shopping, for at least for 20 minutes:

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Updated with more info on how he was caught, including that the suspect had a Maserati. Really.

In our copy of the How To Be A Criminal Handbook, page 6, paragraph three, is this: "Never, ever commit crimes while on parole and while wearing a court-ordered, ankle-bracelet GPS tracker. Ever."

Of course, one Perry Pemberton, a 29-year-old violent felon who was indeed on parole allegedly didn't do his homework.

We'll see you after class young man.

Because cops today said that Mr. Pemberton ...

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DEA

The things people do for crack. You know, of course, about the three wise ways: Robbing, stealing and providing various personal services.

But its the creative crimes that too often go without notice. Unfortunately for one Hilda Villarta, stealing money from her daughter has put her name in headlines (see above).

According to the Glendale News-Press ...

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DEA

Bringing the love only a mother could provide, authorities claim that Rhonda J. Gonzales had several packages of marijuana with her when she visited her son this weekend at an L.A. County juvenile probation camp, authorities say.

How kind. Unfortunately for the chap, she wasn't able to share her medicine.

Sheriff's deputies had embarked on a crackdown after finding marijuana in the dorm rooms in recent months. And so they targeted Gonzales' purse ...

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Lorena Bobbitt v. Catherine Kieu Becker (right).

Suspect Catherine Kieu Becker, now unofficially known as the new Lorena Bobbitt, was grand-jury slapped with an indictment for alleged penis cutting so harsh that it could get her life in prison if she's convicted.

While we sometimes wonder if the justice system treats the ladies with kid gloves (especially when it comes to their own domestic violence and claims for alimony), this here case of a pared-down pecker is being messaged with the utmost of due diligence.

Men everywhere can exhale:

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Stefano Corso

So you had a swingin' night out with your hubby and you make it home and pretty much crash. He passes out on the couch and you head to the bedroom to dream about little fluffy clouds.

Except that somebody's randy and starts to touch you, lick your breast and pull your pants down. Not tonight, honey. Except ... it's not honey!

It's the creepy neighbor from down the hall:

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Google Maps

Stuff happens on Shatto.

Updated at the bottom with Zhang pleading not guilty -- and with some possible background on him, including that he might have feared for his life in China after outing the Chinese secret police in a plot to kill Falun Gong prisoners. Maybe. First posted at 2:59 p.m. on Dec. 16.

The man who allegedly shot up the Chinese Consulate near Koreatown yesterday turned himself in to police, the LAPD says.

They're IDing him as Jeff Baoliang Zhang, a 67-year-old from Shanghai who now lives in Las Vegas. Something allegedly set him off.

This Associated Press account might have narrowed it down:

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Shepard Fairey

A threat against Bishop Montgomery High School made very publicly via YouTube landed a 16-year-old suspect in handcuffs, police said today.

Torrance police Sgt. Steven Jenkinson tells the Weekly the video featured an Occupy-style Guy Fawkes mask and the graphic stylings of the hacker group Anonymous. It made a statement indicating "something very bad is going to happen" today at the campus attended by the sophomore, he said.

The kid was arrested Sunday on suspicion of making terrorist threats. But following calls from concerned parents Saturday the school ...

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Merrick Brown

Cerveza makes good people do bad things (allegedly).

A bit lost among the holiday weekend madness (pepper spraying, fighting, shooting) was this gem:

A football-viewing house party in San Bernardino ended in madness when a guest who walked into the street was hit by a car and responding cops were ultimately pelted with rocks and bottles by revelers, police tell the Weekly.

Cue the banjo music. It all happened ...

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'Gone in 60 Seconds'

Ah, this is where, kids, you learn about the criminal called a "fence." He's the middleman who fences the dirty goods for you to shady shops and maybe even the general public.

Unfortunately for a pair of L.A. County teens up to some seriously advanced no good, they were caught selling hot goods they stole themselves, sheriff's officials alleged this week.

Alert deputies from the Santa Clarita Valley Sheriff's Station Burglary and Fraud team say they found the items of Craigslist (of course):

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Siri, phone home.

This stupid (alleged) criminal got narc'd on by an iPhone.

That's right. Cops say that after the suspect robbed a woman at gunpoint and took her purse, they tracked him down with the help of the device's "Find My Phone" app.

Dude actually had the phone on him when they found him at ...

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mensapparelreview.com

The adage don't get high on your own supply seems to have its roots in the hazy daze of the 1970s, but it couldn't be more appropriate than today, when certain recreational medicine is as powerful as ever.

Case in point: One suspect called 911 after apparently tripping (for lack of a better word) balls, cops allege.

When the LAPD showed up to said suspect's pad at 2:45 yesterday morning you just know what they claim to have found. CBS Los Angeles has the scoop:

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Oops, looks like this suspect forgot to wipe.

A 29-year-old who allegedly bought a stolen MacBook computer was busted ... by the computer, cops say.

Abimael Garcia was arrested by the LAPD after tracking software installed by the notebook's owner captured him using the machine and came up with his location, the LAPD announced today.

The machine was taken from a car parked in downtown's Fashion District on ...

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Sorta like this.

A pair of mixed martial arts fighters in town for a tournament foiled a robbery at a motel south of Hollywood, the LAPD reported over the weekend. They basically held the suspect, disarmed him and came really close to kicking his ass.

The backpack wearing suspect strolled into the place and held what cops said was an armed 9 mm handgun to a clerk, who gave him cash, according to a department statement.

But as all this was happening the duo from Oregon was just getting out of the elevator at the lobby level. They went into action like MMA superheroes:

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