If home is where you hang your hat then Silver Lake is rapidly turning into the world's largest hat rack. Over the past 12 months, it has become de rigueur in hipster courting rituals for male hipsters (homo habilus hipstericus) to trot out increasingly ridiculous pieces of vintage head-ware in an effort to woo the female species of hipster (homo habilus hipstripesicus). A trend once confined to the deepest recesses of the Cha Cha Lounge has spread like wildfire, consuming most of Hollywood and threatening as far west as the Fairfax district. As a native Angeleno dedicated to the preservation of a sane, safe city, I have decided to compile a guide designed to help ameliorate this obvious hipster identity crisis. If you or anyone you know has this problem, please take them to the nearest Lids as rapidly as possible.
The Fedora
Unless you're a chain-smoking, hard-as-nails 1940s gumshoe who can say the phrase "private dick" with a straight face, you probably shouldn't be wearing a fedora. I know half of you guys went to private school with people named Humphrey and/or Dashiell, but unless you've actually solved at least one mystery in your life then you are forbidden from fedora-ing. And, no figuring out to the plot to Mullholland Drive doesn't count as a mystery. Of course, there is also the fact that Will I Am wears fedoras. And nothing Will I Am does can ever be cool. Nothing.
The Derby
If I wanted to see a walking, talking, ball of hair in a derby hat, I'd just go watch an episode of The Addams Family.
The Che
Fight the revolution! One $3.00 organic fair trade cup of coffee at a time.
The Newsboy Cap
Repeat after me: just because I know every word to every song in Newsies does not give me the right to wear a newsboy cap. Sorry to be the bearer of ill tidings, you don't look like Dave Chappelle, you look more like the guy on the couch.
The Top Hat
Okay fine, so I've never actually seen anyone on the streets of Silver Lake wearing a top hat. But I've been doing a lot of thinking lately and have concluded that the Mad Hatter from Alice in Wonderland very well might be the proto-hipster. Think about it. Garish color schemes, check. Shaggy unkempt mane, check. Penchant for spewing pretentious gibberish, check. Indie-rock style snug trousers, you betcha. And most importantly, the Mad Hatter had no real job and spent all day every day having tea parties with his friends. Give that man a laptop, stick him at the Intelligentsia Cafe, and he'd be in hog fucking heaven.
The Trilby
Pros: You have a 0.01 percent chance of getting Kate Moss.
Cons: You have to tell people you're wearing something called a trilby hat. Also, may bring back vivid childhood flashbacks of the Scatman.
The Beret
You know what would be the coolest thing ever? If an indie rock band started writing protest songs and had like eight people on-stage, two of whom were playing the violin and one of one of which was playing the glockenschpiel. And they could be influenced by Modest Mouse and The Talking Heads and Joy Division, with a touch of the Arcade Fire and they could all dress up in military fatigues and they could call themselves The Green Berets. It all starts with the beret. It all starts with the beret.
The Trucker Hat
Sorry brah, last time I checked this wasn't 1999. Don't you have a taped episode of That 70's Show to go home and watch?
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Comments
There are 4 comments posted for this article.
"Penchant for spewing pretentious gibberish, check."
What size top hat do you and your gibberish take, Sir?
Posted on November 28, 2007 11:37 AM by Mr. Tatterscratch
What exactly do you have against hats, Jeff? What is your point? That hats are stupid and nobody should wear them? I don't get it.
This is just another example of the oh so prevalent post-modernist attitude of "I'm smarter than everyone else because I criticize everything." It's really boring.
As a long time fedora wearer, I'm a little annoyed too at how the hipsters are wearing them only because they are currently "in." But if the trend expands people's wardrobe beyond the ubiquitous baseball hat, then I'm all for it.
I'll never understand why that ugly thing took over from much more stylish hats. Nothing looks more stupid than a guy in a suit wearing a baseball hat. I guess some people are afraid of being grown-ups.
Posted on November 28, 2007 11:51 AM by Tom
So if only detectives are allowed to wear fedoras, then why is every couch potato allowed to wear a baseball cap? Yes, hipsters are annoying, but what's annoying about them is the ironic way they wear their hats (and everything else they pick up), not the hats themselves. All you've done in this article is point out the ironic, stereotypical references that hipsters are making when they wear their hats. You're basically stating the implied punchline of the hipster's joke, which is just as annoying. I wear a fedora because it's a good looking, functional hat which I feel has a timeless quality, not because I'm trying to impress my ingroup with my ability to ironically reference popular culture. If more people wore hats for these reasons, hipsters would stop wearing them and find some other reference to make. So do your part to stop hipster irony, and put on a hat!
Posted on November 28, 2007 12:51 PM by Dave
Wot!?!? No cowboy hats?
PS. I sure hope next week you hate shoes; I notice a lot of hipsters wearing them so they must be bad. But you'll say it funnier. Fnar fnar.
Posted on November 28, 2007 7:40 PM by Anonymous