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Why Biz Markie Should Have Known From the Get-Go That He Was More Than "Just a Friend"

by Jeff Weiss
May 6, 2008 4:00 PM

  • Markie appears to have had a Homer Simpsonian sense of delusion. Had he looked at himself in the mirror? The guy was 30 lbs. overweight, rapped like Corky from Life Goes On and appeared to have a poor orthodontist. Granted, he was a fantastic DJ and beat-boxer but just check the company he was rolling with. The Juice Crew? Of course, "he" was probably more than just a friend. "He" probably was Big Daddy Kane.


  • If your justification for a women sleeping with you hinges on "she" having what "you" need, chances are she will be keeping other men on the side. Really, it all depends on whether or not Markie has what she needs. The question being, does she need powered wigs, Baby Grand pianos and an up and close relationship with a man named TJ Swan?

  • If a girl makes you wait a year to have sex, she is either a) playing you, b) a regular visitor to Women For Romney. Org, c) 15 years old or d) all of the above.


    • But You Say He's Just a Friend


    mail.jpg

    • What does he expect from college-aged groupies named Blah Blah Blah * with 9/10 pants and very big bras? Trust? Fidelity? Chlamydia?

  • By bragging about his other female friends, Agnes and Agatha, Biz inadvertently lets his woman know that she has nothing to worry about. He's just transparently trying to make her jealous and it isn't working. Agnes? Agatha? Who's he trying to pick up, senior citizens and British detective novelists?

  • Moreover, what does he expect when he offers Blah Blah Blah a necklace with the words "baby" engraved on it. Baby? That's the best Biz can do? Then again, this is the man who kicked off his debut with the song "Pickin' Boogers." "Baby" may in fact be a triumph.


  • Surprise visits? Never a good move. It tells Blah, Blah, Blah that you're clingy, needy and paranoid. Ultimately, it makes your competition (i.e. the shirtless guy with the high-top fade and stem-less wine glasses) more attractive and the next thing you know you're standing at the bus stop spinning your yarn to a bunch of dudes who don't care and lamely trying to call out skeezers with the same old pick-up lines. Sell yourself Markie. Have TJ Swan serenade them. Ask them their astrological sign. Explain to them why you have what they need.

    * From an illustrious German lineage of "Blah Blah Blah's"

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