Ask @ruthbourdain: Ann Landers, Dr. Ruth & A Chef's Knife

If you're a fan of @ruthbourdain, the hilarious Twitter mashup of Ruth Reichl's langorous Bashō-like tweets and Anthony Bourdain's often prosaic, happily profane commentary, you can now get your fix in more than 140 characters. And, better yet, in advice column form.

Ruth Bourdain, actual identity still unknown, has added Ann Landers to the schizophrenic mix. Or more accurately, New York Times food writer Florence Fabricant, who every Thursday gives culinary advice in her column Ask FloFab.

Last week's column, Dear FloFab: My Boyfriend Was Raised by Wolves, elicited a charming response ("People who hoover their food are going to hoover their food no matter what you do") from Fabricant. Read the original question and the equally charming (and unedited) response from Ask Rubo after the jump. Oh, and another one that was pretty good too.

Q. Dear RuBo: My boyfriend has horrible table manners: using his fingers when it's not appropriate, eating as if meals are a race, etc. Think of how a 4 year-old eats and you get the picture. I enjoy going to restaurants very much, but I've stopped suggesting going out because his bad manners are kind of embarrassing. Do you have any suggestions about what I can do to improve his table habits without making him feel self-conscious?

A. Don't be such a fucking douchette. There is absolutely nothing wrong with eating with your hands. Four year-olds eat quite well in my estimation: they don't natter on about calories, they don't waste time on idle conversation, and they don't fucking complain about how their loved ones eat to a major newspaper.

Now, in terms of your comparison to a four year-old, I don't give a shit about his eating with his hands, but I do draw the line at cutting his food for him or washing the sauce off his pasta. That would just be weird.

Q. Dear RuBo: I want to pay for dinner with my rich friend, who always picks up the check. I appreciate his generosity, but I genuinely want-at least one time!-to show him mine. How do I do it?

A. Who the fuck are you people? WTF? Just let your rich friend pick up the check and go to town! Marrow bones, foie gras sundaes, black truffle pies - the whole nine yards. Otherwise, if you are footing the bill, you know that you'll end up splitting appetizers and sharing dessert or some kind of bullshit like that.

If you really want to reciprocate, you could make a simple gesture. And by gesture, I mean a blow job. No man has ever turned down one in the history of humankind.