Dear Gazpacho: It's Over Between Us

By Elina Shatkin Fri., Apr. 29 2011 at 12:15 PM

Categories: Soup

Dear Gazpacho,

By the time you read this, I'll be long gone. I'm sorry for doing this, but it's for the best. I know it might come as a bit of a surprise to you, but take an honest look at our relationship. It hasn't been good for a long time. It's been years of emotional isolation, lowered standards and veiled contempt. The truth is, I don't understand you. Maybe I never have, but it's not because I didn't try.

I'd be lying if I said, "It's not you, it's me." It's definitely you. Even before we met, when you were only a whisper on a TV chef's lips, you sounded exciting. So cool and sophisticated and sexy and foreign. You were the Antonio Banderas of soups. But every time I tried a spoonful, all I could think was, "Why is my Bloody Mary in a bowl and where the hell is the vodka?!"

Over the years, we've tried to make it work. I sampled countless variations of you in any number of restaurants. Instead of being peppy and fun, you were like a dank, soggy British morning.

Sure, you've got a fancy name, but when other people aren't around, I know what you're really like. You're just V8 without the preservatives or the marketing pizzazz. You're tomato soup that's inexplicably and unreasonably cold. You aren't the least bit refreshing on a hot summer day. Because when I'm sitting down to brunch on a sweltering Sunday, what I want is a watered down bowl of tomato sauce. Yum!

I'm sorry, I don't mean to get vindictive. I just need space. I hope, someday, we can still be friends. Please try not to be upset if you see me hanging out with ketchup or with that Trader Joe's carton of tomato soup. There are plenty of other fish in the sea, and I know you'll find someone, maybe lots of someones, who can appreciate you the way you deserve.

Your Ex,
Elina

PS-I faked it every time we were together.

Tags:

Dear John, Editorial, Elina Shatkin, Gazpacho, Soup

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Nate

I'm inclined to agree with you, but I have an anecdotal example of a gazpacho that thrilled and was delicious at the same time. I'm not sure if they will do it again this summer, but two years ago, Nadav Bashan (at his eponymous restaurant) made a gazpacho that he strained through a chinois overnight. It was almost completely colorless, and brought to the table in a tall, thin vase with a faint rosy tinge at the bottom. It was not only delicious, but the presentation was so stunning and elegant that it totally turned me around on gazpacho. Hopefully they will make it again, and you can try it

TasteThat

Elina wouldn't be any fun to hang around. I don't like her writing because its always so negative. She is a perfect fit for the LA weekly. Trashy and free.

Ground Observer Corps

"Shouldn't you be out on a ledge somewhere?"

The Late Ixo

Elina, I'm worried about what all those hamburgers did to your brain, but your writing is very funny! Keep in mind, however, that sometimes you have to fake gazpacho to find true gazpacho. The next time you're fleeing through Riverside County swing by the historic Mission Inn Hotel in downtown Riverside and dine al fresco at Las Campanas, their upscale Mexican restaurant. The food and drinks are all fine, though hardly ELA auténtico, but the shrimp cocktail consists of a school of plump shrimps swimming in an excellent substitute for gazpacho, so convincing that you burp gaz even before digging in. If it turns out that you don't like the soup, you'll at least get a bucket of seaworthy shrimp for the effort.