As I type, my friend Brooke is at the Emergency Room of Hollywood Presbyterian hospital getting shot up with antibiotics. You wanna know why? It's because her tonsils look like this:

Even her little wobbly hanging bit is covered in nasty white diseased spots. And she's not the only one to have gotten sick - my fever was so high one day last week I was too weak to walk my dog, who pooped on my new suede boots in revenge. My roommate Alexis has been coughing like a Victorian-era typhus victim. My friend Katie is too sick to come out tonight because she has a stomach flu and might barf over the patrons of Casita del Campo. And we're not the only ones - everyone is dropping like flies.

It makes no sense - OK, it is kinda cold outside, but nothing compared to what our friends on the East Coast are having to put up with.

Which leads me to conclude that a plague of biblical proportions has been cast upon the young people of Los Angeles (because we are all bad, shallow people who check our MySpace when we should be at church praying for our lost souls).

Or maybe terrorists have spiked the beers at Safari Sam's with some kind of anthrax or other biohazardous substance. A deadly strain of Eastside Ebola, if you will.

Anyhow, for those of you currently fighting Hipster Flu, here's my doctorly advice:

- Try not go out - or if you must, wear a scarf (long and gray is acceptable) and try not to make out with your friends

 - Don't stand outside smoking - or if you must, choose American Spirits ('cause they are healthy, natural and smoother on diseased tonsils, right?)

- Try not to drink alcohol - or if you must, try a shot of Dayquil followed immediately by a shot of vodka. It'll fuck you up!

- And finally, make sure to call all your friends who are freelancers and demand they bring you zinc tablets and Airborn and chicken broth. Insist they sit with you on the couch and watch DVDs. Believe me, they're looking for any excuse to procrastinate - and what better reason than a friend in need?

Get Well Soon!!!

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Quick: name that band. Who is it, the latest art damaged country punks to stagger out of Joshua Tree? Some long lost side project of J.D. Souther, Jackson Browne and Neil Young? The Devendra Banhart fan club? Any way you look at 'em, their beards are impressive: it takes a long time, and a total disregard for what girls actually want to lick, to grow a neck beard like that.

Give up? It's The Killers, former Las Vegas new wavers known for their eyeliner, their badass suits and that song, "Somebody Told Me," which sorta went like, "you had a boyfriend, who looked like your girlfriend," or some such titillatingly gay-ish lyric that basically confirmed what the eyeliner and pink ties implied.

Good thing they have a stylist who told them all that new wave faggy stuff is like, soooo 2004! Now who's got the acid?

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So, I was bored one evening (tonight, as it happens) and as we do in the digital age I decided to google my name and find out what other Steffies exist on this planet. There's a lot of us in Europe: a couple Germans, a Steffie from the Netherlands, and a Brit Steffie who blogs about her "frolics." 19-year-old Steffie from Glasgow's Myspace "about me" reads: "hey y'all, steffie doll comin atchya xx hey im stef , im 19 from buzzin renfreeewww :S i <3 drinking and hanging with my bezzi mates >thanks u lot, u all mean the world to mee.." Think she's drunk? I can't tell. There's also a Steffie who lives on an Indian reservation, and a 23-year-old Steffie in South Pasadena. Steffie Woolhandler is a professor of medicine at Harvard, and Mrs. Steffie Rhodes starred in a Marcus Welby, MD episode from 1975.

But the most intriguing Steffie I found tonight is a long-lost relative of Barbie, a collectible doll whose face was later transposed onto Barbie's much more famous li'l sis PJ (damn her!).

Here's a description from www.dollreference.com, which describes the "Steffie" doll pictured above:

"Medium blonde hair curly ends, & bangs, blue eyes, painted eyelashes, one piece shorts-suit, blue hot pants, pink & white checked long sleeve blouse, pink & white checked knee-hi socks, white shoes, black & white small checked belt & hat, special hands that can hold or grasp items. A record player, T.V., telephone, serving tray with 2 glasses and travel case all in brown plastic were included."

Pretty sassy, huh? A one-piece shorts suit with checkered knee socks sounds right up my alley! Not to mention a record layer and serving tray with two glasses! And I'm so glad the Steffie doll has got hands that can "hold or grasp items", as this is very important for a young lady.

And speaking of young ladies and hands that can grasp items, the Urban Dictionary offers a staggering number of variations on the Steffie theme.

According to whoever writes this thing, Steffie means:

1) a short girl with really big boobs 2) one who stares at people

as in: Stop staring at me! You're such a Steffie!

A Steffie-dee, on the other hand, has two very distinct meanings, that have nothing to do with big boobs.

1) A woman with small boobs (bee stings)
2) A women who has no sense of dress and looks like a tramp.

usage:

1. How small are her steffie-dee's! 2. That women is a Full on Steffie-Dee wanna-be!

Steffy butts, in case you were wondering, are simply "people who are unusually weird."

Spelled Steffi, it "means you are having a laff, because you would say having a steffi graff. which is like having a laff."

Spelled Stefi, it basically means dumbass.

adj- word used to express ignorance or retardness.
noun- a person who crashes a lot and engages into several accidents including vehicles.

- I've never heard something more ignorant. You're such a Stefi today!
- That Stefi crashed my car five times today!

Luckily, there's Stefy, which is defined as:

The greatest girl and best friend one could have in this world. The most extreme rarity of a person. *sidenote* EXTREMELY hot and SUPER sexy. She WILL make u want her so badly by just LOOKING at her.

Tell me something I didn't know.

xo- the REAL Steffie

Steffie Talk Busy 1972 doll courtesy of dollreference.com

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Dorothy Parker once bought a new typewriter because she couldn't change the ribbon on the old one. Ernest Hemingway used to write standing up. Truman Capote wrote lying down, and could not tolerate the presence of yellow roses - although they were his favorite flower.

These are just a few facts I've gathered from the first three of 16 meaty Paris Review Interviews, the first volume of which was just published by Picador. I was lucky enough to catch Paris Review editor Philip Gourevitch in conversation with screenwriter Stephen Gaghan (Traffic, Syriana) at the downtown library recently, and I picked up two copies of the book, one for myself, and one for my style council gal pal Caroline, whose copy Gourevitch inscribed "Happy Birthday." I thought of my friend Alysia, who once asked Rick Moody to inscribe The Ice Storm "to Alysia, a great writer" and almost requested some totemic words for myself along those lines, but I felt - let's face it - kinda stupid and not so great at that moment.

Philip Gourevitch is a great writer. His 2002 New Yorker profile of James Brown is so insightful, so compassionate, so fearless, and so damn funny that I nearly wept from the sheer virtuosity of it - and the terror that I'd never come close to anything like it. The theme of his talk with Gaghan was "the art of the interview" and as they chatted about cruising in Brown's limousine (Gourevitch) and being blindfolded and shoeless for a meeting with some scary Arab bigwig (Gaghan) they agreed on the secret to a great interview: sit back and let the person write their own autobiography.In the end Gourevitch just wrote "For Steffie" and signed his name, but it's still an inspiration each time I open the book's bright yellow cover. Before I left and let the impatient masses get their own copies signed, I told Gourevitch that his James Brown piece was one of my favorite pieces of writing, ever. He seemed almost surprised, and gave me a big grin and thanked me. It's nice to know that no matter how great a writer is, a compliment still counts for something.

Roy Lichtenstein painting courtesy of leninimports.com

posted by Steffie

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Well, it's been a quiet few days, involving mainly indigestion and a marathon L Word viewing session (seven episodes, back to back). So here's a funny story I heard over Thanksgiving dinner which I thought I'd share...

Weird Al Yankovic is hanging out someplace, mighta been the airport, and a fan comes up to him and says hello. That fan happens to be Paul McCartney. "I love your stuff," enthuses the former Beatle. "Anytime you want to do one of my songs, its yours!!!"

Weird Al is thrilled, but stumped - he can't figure out which song to do. After two years of fruitless pondering, it finally comes to him in the middle of the night. He sits bolt upright in bed, the passionate refrain to Live and Let Die ringing around his head. "Live and Let Die...Chicken Pot Pie! Yes!" 

Inspired, he penned the following genius lyrics:

When we were young, Bernie's Deli was down the block
(Ooh ooh ooh ooh)
He made a great liver pate
(You know he did, you know he did, you know he did)
But if there's one thing in this world that I like better
Than a corned beef on rye

It's Chicken Pot Pie
Chicken Pot Pie

He contacted members of the orchestra that had played on the original Live and Let Die track, and flew them out to his studio. When he was ready to release the track, he contacted Sir Paul for approval. "I finally came up with the perfect song," he enthused. But Sir Paul was not amused. "Oh no..." he said. "I can't possibly allow this - my ex-wife Linda would never have supported a song that celebrates the killing of chickens."

Yankovic has performed the song live (he debuted it as part of his concert food medley during a 1992 tour) but Chicken Pot Pie is still, as yet, unreleased...

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Well, no. Not really. But I just heard that Golden Voice is adding a first ever COUNTRY MUSIC FESTIVAL (it hasn't been given an official name yet) to their Coachella festivities! They are also adding another day to the Indie rock fest, that's right 3 days (Friday, April 27, Saturday, April 28 and Sunday, April 29) in Coachella Valley and may the Lord help us all. I don't know if I'll have the stamina for that many mushrooms. I think I may have to save a little somethin' for the FOLLOWING weekend.

On Saturday, May 5 and Sunday, May 6 country music fans will take over the Empire Polo Field, and hits of e will be replaced by good ol'fashioned whiskey and Chuck Taylors traded for cowboy boots. Golden Voice is on to something, the old school country movement is enjoying a renaissance thanks to movies like Walk The Line and A Praire Home Companion. Dolly Parton was even nominated for an Academy Award for her song in Transamerica last year. If you think country means Billy Ray Dipshit and Shania Taint, you're so wrong, do yourself a favor and go to your itunes music store and type in "classic country"— cocaine, booze, bills, cheatin' hearts, wife swappin and heart ache awaits.

The line-up so far includes Willie Nelson, Lucinda Williams, Sparrow Quarter featuring Bela Fleck, and Emmylou Harris. I hope the organizers (note to Golden Voice) keep to the classic country and stay the hell away from today's corny God lovin' do-right Nashville acts.

There will be an alt-country stage, a bluegrass stage and a storytelling area with Garrison Keillor of the aforementioned A Prairie Home Companion.

Posted by Linda Immediato

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This is Dan Monick. He's the girl on the left. Not only does he look very pretty in wigs, as you can see, he also happens to be a very good photographer. This photo was taken shortly after his one-night only show, held Saturday in Downtown L.A.

Monick's pictures look like giant tea-stained polaroids, glamourous yet throwaway, framed by spidery pencil scrawlings that read like lonely little notes-to-self. Colors and textures are heightened when contrasted with the bright, bright whiteness that glows around his subjects like an unholy aura. 

Dan Monick takes lots of photos of Annie from Giant Drag. She's very photogenic, whether covered in blood or posing in sultry gray eyeshadow a la Madonna and Child (see above). Monick told me one of his favorite photos in the collection was this one, of a baby.  

So impressed were we by his portraits, my roomie Alexis Florio purchased this one for the house, a photograph of a young man in the sea with bad grammar on his t-shirt, and Monick's unintelligible pencil scratchings underneath.

I first met Dan Monick some 18 months ago when we drove to Tijuana together to photograph and interview some Latin bands for Swindle magazine. We ended up getting lost after crossing the border and realizing neither one of us had a map. We found our bands in the end, and ate fish tacos with Nortec Collective at the last taco stand on the beach before the American border. Then we went to a tumbledown old ballroom where Colombian band Aterciopelados were playing. We played hangman in the car all the way back to Hollywood (I won).

Since then Dan, a Taurus who does not like white fluffy dogs with pink skin, has been busy, his photography appearing in Rolling Stone, Paper magazine and many others. He's also Atmosphere's official photographer.

After the show we went to the Wild Hare in Eagle Rock where a bunch of nice people, including Erin from Brother Reade (pictured here with me and Alexis Roomie), were celebrating their birthdays. Happy birthday Erin! And thanks again Dan!

 

 

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Post Turkey Day Weekend - y'all got any plans? Me neither (other than digestion). So I thought I would pass this on - I received a communique from the almighty Lynn Hasty of Green Galactic publicity (she wears only green, right down to her glasses frames) about the screeening of two new rock documentaries at the Knitting Factory this Saturday night. Here are the deets!

MVD Entertainment Group, Stick Figure Productions, Element Productions and Fenway Recordings have joined forces to bring to the public of Los Angeles a very special double feature screening of loudQUIETloud – a film about the Pixies and NOT A PHOTOGRAPH - the Mission of Burma story.

This FREE all-ages event will take place Knitting Factory Hollywood (7021 Hollywood Blvd. – Hollywood, CA) on Saturday, November 25th. The times for the screenings are as follows: 9:30 to 11pm (Pixies), 11:30 to 12:45 (Mission of Burma). Those who attend will be able to purchase a copy of either film on DVD at a special sale price.

loudQUIETloud trailer: http://files.dvdnote.com/pixiestrailer.htm

 

Happy T Day!!!  

 

 

 

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