10 Musicians Definitely Not on Steroids

From the New York Times:

"When news surfaced over the weekend that 50 Cent, Wyclef Jean, Timbaland and other rap stars had been implicated in a steroids investigation, some hip-hop fans were shocked, but to many in the industry the accusations seemed inevitable."

Oh, how our collective pride in these role models has been crushed! We expect such antics from baseball players and speed skaters, but rappers?! The shame...

Here then, for the guardians of culture amongst us, is a short list of musicians that we believe to be free from human-growth hormones. You can program your iPods accordingly.

10. Thom Yorke

Epilepsy medication seems a more likely drug of choice than steroids for the poor lad.

9. Amy Winehouse

Clean as a whistle. No problems here.

8. Ruben Suddard

If there was a 20 pound pork chop made out of steroids, then we might suspect the jolly Idol-beast. As it is, he's probably safe. Though I wouldn't leave any small children around him, particularly if they're covered in gravy.

7. Henry Rollins

Mr. Clean. Rollins doesn't drink, doesn't smoke, definitely isn't popping X or making a bong out of a Pepsi can. But he's not young anymore either, and it'll get tougher and tougher to keep those guns loaded. For now, I'll give him the benefit of the doubt, but if he still looks like he could bend steel beams five years from now, then he'd better piss in the cup for lab boys.

6. Britney Spears

Yeah, yeah, it's all a horror show, and Dr. Drew says we're watching her die before our glazed-over eyes, but let's not think about that. The new Esquire cover - a tribute to an Angie Dickinson photo from the mag in '66 - is just the kind of thing to get the bad taste out of our mouths, and replace it with the ideal kind of virgin/whore paradox that's gone so dreadfully wrong in her life. Anyway, whatever the hell Britney's putting in her body - Ho-Ho's, bottles of gin, Popeye's 12 Piece Family Meals, it's not steroids. She may have packed on some pounds (praise the airbrushers), but she's not gonna lift K-Fed up over her head and body slam him on to the judge's bench.

5, 4 Rolling Stones / Aerosmith

Who needs steroids when a steady diet of human blood, preferably from young virgin girls can let you live forever? Give Ice Cube or Chuck D another 20 years in the game, and they'll be on the immortal diet as well. That is, if Ice Cube isn't killed in a terrible accident while filming another sequel to Are We There Yet? where a penguin kicks him in the nuts.

3. Clay Aiken

You just want to wring his scrawny neck.

2. Danzig

Umm. Never mind.

1. Karen Carpenter

Oh Karen, why have you forsaken us in our hour of greatest need?

Bonus! That Todd Haynes movie about Karen done with Barbie dolls is online. Cool!