The Remnants of Michael Jackson's Neverland Ranch to Be Auctioned at Beverly Hilton in April

photos courtesy of Julien's Auctions

The airbrushed hood of Michael Jackson's Neverland golf cart

Parents: avert your childrens' gaze for a second, because we've got some bad news: DREAMS DIE. Even the biggest, grandest, the most luxurious palaces sometimes collapse into a pile of rubble and despair. Celebrity monkeys are no match for Death's cruel scythe, even the fanciest spangled jackets sometimes lose buttons, and Rolls Royce limousines get flat tires too.

Life is hard, is what we're saying, and economists looking for symbolic proof of the coming depression need not look any further than Neverland Ranch, Michael Jackson's longtime Valhalla outside of Santa Barbara. Last year Jackson sold the ranch, and now, with a Beverly Hills auction that promises to mark the metaphoric end of American cultural dominance (to say nothing of underscoring the dangers of allegedly diddling Neverland guests), the pop star is selling his vast collection of impulse purchases within.

courtesy Julien's Auctions

Imagine you and your monkey cruising to Trader Joe's in this baby!

We'll let Julien's Auctions do the explaining:

This monumental five-day auction to be conducted by Julien's Auctions April 21st-25th, 2009 at 9900 Wilshire Boulevard adjacent to the legendary Beverly Hilton Hotel, offers an astounding array of Fine & Decorative Art items, paintings and life size bronze and marble sculptures to Memorabilia from the Life & Career of Michael Jackson. The auction also includes Amusements, Arcade Games & Disneyana, Entertainment Memorabilia and Garden Statuary Furniture from the personal collection of Michael Jackson with a portion of the proceeds benefiting MusiCares®, a charity of The Recording Academy®. Auction Network will broadcast the auction live on national television and stream video of the auction online providing fans all over the world a front row seat to watch and bid in real time on the items up for sale.

courtesy Julien's Auctions

Couple this beauty with some cut-offs and flip flops and bingo, you're the classiest fella at Coachella.

The auction of impulsiveness begins with a worldwide tour of the fancy knickknacks, followed by a seven-day viewing, open to the public, from Tuesday April 14th through Monday April 20th. Then, on April 21, let the bidding begin on such beauties as this:

courtesy Julien's Auctions

Unfortunately, it's not a hybrid. But if you have to ask ...

Basically, this little extravaganza will mark the end of an era. We'll be there with bells (and jangles) on:

photos courtesy of Julien's Auctions

Dress your monkey in this get-up before you hit the roads in your golf cart.