Why This Song Sucks: Maroon 5's "Moves Like Jagger," featuring Christina Aguilera
Song: Maroon 5's "Moves Like Jagger," featuring Christina Aguilera
History: God (likely) intended for Maroon 5 to be an important-but-middling critic's darling, but they mortgaged their indie-cool to become ubiquitous. Hard core. Those fuckers are everywhere now, and they have been for a while. They were fun for longer than one could have anticipated, but have now settled into their role as the white Black Eyed Peas. Oh, also, Adam Levine got some tattoos and started working out serious. Now he takes his shirt off every chance he gets.
Background: "Moves Like Jagger" replaces rock ethos and grit with helium-filled balloons. Clearly it sucks, yet it sits atop Billboard's Hot 100. The question: Why?
Atmospherics: Soft, uncomplicated drum kicks; digital bubbles and tinks; sort of melodic; homogenized electro pop; trembly, accessible guitar work; the predictable parts of house/rock hybrids;Christina Aguilera's bottom-of-the-mouth swag.
Scientific Analysis: We must analyze: Which of Mick Jagger's moves does the song refer to?
It's even less likely (15%), that the track refers to his creepy old man moves, ie when he was vibrating his crotch at Superbowl XL.
One of his daughters, Elizabeth Jagger, posed for Playboy, so perhaps they are referring to his disappointed father moves (11%)?
Most likely, the song refers to his dance/swagger moves (52%). But ultimately, we can never be entirely sure. One thing we can be sure of, however, is that Jagger's moves -- whatever they may be -- are appealing.
Damn appealing. In fact, two things are for certain on this planet: (1) Hoes gon' be hoes, so you can't blame Tammy, and; (2) Jagger's moves are appealing.
Nature has dictated it as such.
Thus, by aligning themselves with Jagger's moves (something awesome), Maroon 5 guaranteed that their song would become ubiquitous, no matter how shitty it was. (Maybe they were using science too, bastards!) It's like someone saying to you, "Raise your hand right now if you'd like someone to perform oral sex on you... and you'd like an Incubus t-shirt."
Therefore, the answer to why everyone likes this crappy song is as follows: