Why This Song Sucks: Maroon 5's 'Moves Like Jagger,' featuring Christina Aguilera

Why This Song Sucks: Maroon 5's "Moves Like Jagger," featuring Christina Aguilera

By Shea Serrano Wed., Oct. 5 2011 at 6:15 AM

[Editor's note: Why This Song Sucks determines why particular tracks blow using science. It appears on West Coast Sound every Wednesday.]

Song: Maroon 5's "Moves Like Jagger," featuring Christina Aguilera

History: God (likely) intended for Maroon 5 to be an important-but-middling critic's darling, but they mortgaged their indie-cool to become ubiquitous. Hard core. Those fuckers are everywhere now, and they have been for a while. They were fun for longer than one could have anticipated, but have now settled into their role as the white Black Eyed Peas. Oh, also, Adam Levine got some tattoos and started working out serious. Now he takes his shirt off every chance he gets.

Background: "Moves Like Jagger" replaces rock ethos and grit with helium-filled balloons. Clearly it sucks, yet it sits atop Billboard's Hot 100. The question: Why?

Atmospherics: Soft, uncomplicated drum kicks; digital bubbles and tinks; sort of melodic; homogenized electro pop; trembly, accessible guitar work; the predictable parts of house/rock hybrids;Christina Aguilera's bottom-of-the-mouth swag.

Scientific Analysis: We must analyze: Which of Mick Jagger's moves does the song refer to?

It's 16 percent likely that Maroon 5 is referring to the movement of his active sperm, considering he has children by multiple women.

It's even less likely (15%), that the track refers to his creepy old man moves, ie when he was vibrating his crotch at Superbowl XL.

One of his daughters, Elizabeth Jagger, posed for Playboy, so perhaps they are referring to his disappointed father moves (11%)?

Most likely, the song refers to his dance/swagger moves (52%). But ultimately, we can never be entirely sure. One thing we can be sure of, however, is that Jagger's moves -- whatever they may be -- are appealing.

Damn appealing. In fact, two things are for certain on this planet: (1) Hoes gon' be hoes, so you can't blame Tammy, and; (2) Jagger's moves are appealing.

Nature has dictated it as such.

Thus, by aligning themselves with Jagger's moves (something awesome), Maroon 5 guaranteed that their song would become ubiquitous, no matter how shitty it was. (Maybe they were using science too, bastards!) It's like someone saying to you, "Raise your hand right now if you'd like someone to perform oral sex on you... and you'd like an Incubus t-shirt."

Therefore, the answer to why everyone likes this crappy song is as follows:

Tags:

Maroon 5, Mick Jagger, Why This Song Sucks

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elephantintheroom

Well, it just seems that of all the myriad things a person could or would want, and then reach in to their soul to find the words to put a voice to this deeply felt want - 'moving like Jagger' seems a bit....mediocre, tawdry and a wee bit sad. You might want to end poverty, close the rich/poor chasm or feed the hungry but understandably these noble and important issues wouldn't go well with a euro/club beat and would make a lot less cash and that ultimately is what this song is for.

(I think the 'move' in this song refers to Mr Jagger's progress through the housing market, where he has the ability to relocate to his new abode with the minimum of fuss and anxiety)

Kan

Finally! Someone that agrees, and it's true.

warren beatty

This song is aural vomit.

Marina

Yeah this is a bad song, it sucks...

And the worst of all, it just can't stop buzzing in the radio, I live in Brazil and those shitty songs are now all over!

Robertfinance101

Thank you! You made my day. I was starting to feel like a crazy person. It all makes sense now. That song sucks!

N M

Wow that was bad, I think I was expecting something a little more Stones-esque. I actually don't MIND M5 that much I see them as a necessary component of pop, but that was still a lousy song.

You

the song is fun and makes u wanna move.... it requires absolutely no IQ and follows along the lines that music in general just SUCKS nowadays. i adore christina's voice, which helps, but the fact that it "dethroned" adele makes me wanna jab a fork into my eardrums.