Why This Song Sucks: Pitbull's "Give Me Everything"

[Editor's note: Why This Song Sucks determines why particular tracks blow using science. It appears on West Coast Sound every Wednesday.]

Song: Pitbull's "Give Me Everything," featuring Ne-Yo, Afrojack, Nayer

History: "Give Me Everything" is the second single from Pitbull's Planet Pit, which is a more expensive sounding version of his album that came before that, which is a more expensive sounding version of his album that came before that, which is a more expensive... ^forever.

Atmospherics: "Give Me Everything" is perfect, gorgeous, vapid house-hop. It is what a celebration sounds like. It is what a smile sounds like. It is what glitter sounds like. It is probably what Snooki's vagina is supposed to sound like. It is definitely not what Deena's vagina sounds like. Hers probably sounds like Gwar's "Sick Of You."

Scientific Analysis: It turns out that Pitbull and Daddy Yankee are, in fact, two different people. Like, they're not even brothers. It's already confusing because they're both SouthofNorth Americans and they both favor culos. But for years they've been squished together by the media, subtly advertised as the same person (probably by bastard Republicans to syphon away votes from Democrats). The below screenshot shows that even the facist Youtube is in on these shenanigans.

But they are not the same person. Wikipedia confirms this. They are wholly separate humans, and should be treated as such.

Meanwhile Ne-Yo, national step champion, is a supernaturally cool crooner. His voice is fabulously rhythmic. He seems warm and kind and smiles the way you want the guy that your daughter brings home to smile. But it appears we've all been fooled by his almond eyes and fashionista pants. The bulk of his contribution here: "Let's do it tonight. Grab somebody sexy, tell them, 'Hey. Give me everything tonight. Give me everything tonight. Give me everything tonight.'"

Kinda pretty much exactly what serial killers think all of the time.

Ne-Yo: 40 Percent More Devious Than Anyone Realized

It's all just a bit too rape-y, really. Not saying Ne-Yo is a criminal, but, you know, just watch when you close your garage door, is all.