Why This Song Sucks: Beyonce's "Party (Remix)" Featuring J. Cole
[Editor's note: Why This Song Sucks determines why particular tracks blow using science. It appears on West Coast Sound every Wednesday.]
Song: Beyonce's "Party" featuring J. Cole
History: "Party" is the fourth single from Beyonce's fourth studio album, 4. That's three fours in a row, bro. Three. That seems excessive, right? Like, did Beyonce, the good Christian girl that she is, stumble into some Illumanti literature that Jay left out, and want to speak on it but can't because, duh, that's exactly what that albino in the robe (Kanye West, to extend the analogy) is waiting for? The answer: Yes, of course.
Research revealed the following, which seems awfully ominous (play the clip while you read; it helps):
Jesus had four disciples that died when they were 44-year-olds. Also, the translation for the village Jesus was from is "Fournia." Also, also, the manger Jesus was born in was the fourth from the left, and everyone knows that the left isn't right and that "right" is a synonym for correct and HOLY SHIT: JESUS WASN'T RIGHT?! ... THE COUNCIL OF NICEA! ... SOME OLD PAINTINGS! ... THAT WEIRD THING STUCK IN PAUL BETTANY'S LEG! ... OH. MY. GOD: BEYONCE IS TRYING TO TAKE DOWN THE VATICAN!?
Or, er, wait.
... eh, nope, never mind.
None of that's true. Fuck. Sorry. It's just a lot of fours.
As a consolation, Kanye West creates the awful phrase "swagu*"
*Note: Not much is revealed about the mysterious swagu, beyond if you have it, it is likely dripping.