Henry Rollins: The Column! The War on Christmas Starts With Me

By Henry Rollins Thu., Dec. 22 2011 at 3:30 AM

[Look for your weekly fix from the one and only Henry Rollins right here on West Coast Sound every Thursday, and come back tomorrow for the awesomely annotated playlist for his Saturday KCRW broadcast.]

I am a veteran of the War on Christmas. I am just emerging from a battlefield strewn with dead trees and torn shreds of brightly colored wrapping paper.

It's an annual conflict. Atheist haters and readers of Richard Dawkins come out of the woodwork to attack the sacred holiday and its holy birthday boy with everything they've got: cynicism, satire, biting wit, parody, and Saturday Night Live skits.

Thankfully, Fox News hosts like Bill O'Reilly stand on the wall and make sure that Christians -- this oppressed, under-funded and constantly maligned measly 78% slice of America -- isn't getting put upon too injuriously by the other 22% who in reality, can't be bothered to do more on the 25th day of December than order pizza and play Call of Duty for twelve hours at a time.

The true believers, to the delight of retailers everywhere, hurl their cars into parking garages and deploy into places like The Grove and the Beverly Center, push their credit cards beyond their limits and buy items made by godless ChiCom scum. They rendition them back to their compounds where they are detained until the biggest, bestest birthday of them all.

A few days before the JC Shock & Awe light show I was in Seattle, overwhelmed by the amount of people dressed as Santa Claus. It was a santastic thing to behold. The streets were teeming with people dressed as this celebrated obese socialist, who I guess utilizes one of the many intelligence agencies started under the small government Bush administration, to find out whether you have been naughty or nice.

Standing out in this explosion of red was a man whose Santa suit was black and white. The anti-Santa! No doubt, one of those know-it-all ACLU loving threats to national security who hates freedom and thinks Toby Keith makes comedy albums. "This big dog will fight / When you rattle his cage." Really? The dog is in a cage. It can't fight because it's in a... Anyway, it seemed to me that there was no war on Christmas.

Days later, flying out of the SeaTac Airport down to Los Angeles, my privacy was assaulted by women wearing Santa caps, walking with someone in a huge snowman outfit. They were approaching people and greeting them as they busily engaged their small communication devices. At 0707 hrs., not having slept the night before, it was a little much.

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Henry Rollins, War On Christmas

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Henry Rollins columns and speeches:

" Me, I , Me, Me, I, Me, I, I, I, I, Me"

...just sayin'

Jennie Vasquez

Well I am guess Henry won't be two stepping around the Christmas tree at Toby Kieth's house this Christmas. Personally I'm not at war with Christmas, I rather like Christmas but even I get overwhelmed with some of the rituals of too much shopping, too much food, and too much artificial niceness. I prefer Christmas in moderation. A small amount of gifts, a little bit of food that is bad for you but really yummy, and if you don't like me during the year, don't be nice just because it is Christmas. My guilty pleasure this time of year? The music. My favorite is the Gene Autry Christmas album I've had since I was a kid. It's not Christmas until I hear Gene Autry singing Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer. Should I seek help for my addiction to cheesy Christmas music? Probably but I won't.

I understand the cynicism and outright dislike by some for the holiday. For many Christians, what should be a time to spend with loved ones, participating in rituals that have a special meaning to you and giving things to people because you like them has become a time of being around people you don't like but have to be near because it's Christmas, participating in rituals like baking a gazillion cookies for people you hardly know and then there is the need to out gift people. Somehow we have become a society where the person that spent the most money wins. Wins what? A larger debt. One of the best Christmas gifts I ever got was seeing someone I really admired that I hadn't seen in a long time. That was priceless. My favorite ritual, making tamales with my mom and sisters because it was fun and my dad would be near waiting for them to be done. That ritual went was never the same since my dad passed away and after my mom passed away, it completely died. Tamales don't taste the same without her. She was the key ingredient. As for presents the most expensive item I've requested is the book Occupants. I'm really hoping I get it.

For those of other faiths or different beliefs, I can't imagine what it is like to be bombarded by all the Christmas stuff. Must be a lot to take in because there is a lot of stuff.

Well whatever it is that people have planned for Christmas Day, I hope everyone has a good day. For Christians, Feliz Navidad. For others I hope you have a great day surrounded by loved ones or if you are alone I hope you have an even better day getting to do whatever you want and enjoying the solitude. For Henry, I hope he gets some sleep and goodness, somebody give him some homemade tamales. That will put an end to any war on Christmas or at least get everyone to call a truce. As for me, I'll be visiting cemeteries and then watching my favorite Christmas movie, L.A. Confidential and perhaps listening to Backdoor Santa. Now there is a song everyone can enjoy.

Kennedykits

Jennie Vazquez, I want to marry you!

Jennie Vasquez

Wow, that's a first, you are too kind Kennedykits but I am saving myself for a 90 year old billionaire with a heart condition. My new goal in life is to be a part of the 1%. If you can't beat em join em and I figured marriage is the path of least resistance. I came back to comment that I received the book Occupants for Christmas and to tell others that if you don't have a copy yet, get one. I have just started skimming it and am already moved by the images and the commentary on the photos. It's not intended to be a feel good book but if you have a pulse, it should move you into some kind of action to try and make this world a better place.