Wherein We Hilariously Predict Katy Perry's 2012
Two thousand eleven was a year of peaks and valleys for Katy Perry; she made a run at pop supremacy, performed at huge venues for tiny fans, and made gobs of money. Unfortunately, half of that could go to Russell Brand, who filed for divorce at the end of the year. (They're not believed to have a pre-nup.) One wonders, what could 2012 possibly have in store for her? Glad you asked! Here are our month-by-month predictions.
January: At the 11th hour, Perry unearths what she claims is a signed pre-nuptial agreement. Unfortunately the document does not withstand legal scrutiny, seeing that it's smeared with lipstick and mascara, and its only legible line reads "Katy gets everything including my booky-wook collection."
February: Her nerves still a mess, Perry breaks out in a rash of facial and neck acne, causing her to loose her Proactiv endorsement. Her status as a sex symbol diminishes considerably, though former beau Travis "Travie" McCoy announces he will gladly take her back.
March: Attempting to distract attention from her skin condition, Perry announces she's begun work on Boobs On A Stick, her new album. Sesame Street promptly invites her back.
April: First Boobs On A Stick single "I Puked On Prom Night" fails to chart, despite its big-budget video which features her re-enacting the There's Something About Mary spermatoza-in-the-bangs gag.
May: Performing on an world tour before a still-strong international audience, Perry shifts away from the Candy Land theme of previous shows. Unfortunately, audiences are left scratching their heads when she appears on a stage decked out like a Scrabble board.