It's Here! The Worst Video of the Year

Big news: Birmingham, Alabama hard rock outfit Maylene and the Sons of Disaster have a new music video out, and it's also a disaster! The press release says the work, for the song "Open Your Eyes," is akin to a short film. But it's actually torture porn. Even worse: the plot is ridonkulous, and it makes Danny Trejo look like a jerk.

Now, we love Trejo, and everyone has to eat, but having more-or-less eclipsed character acting with Machete, one would think his belly would now be full. How then to explain "Open Your Eyes," the video for which is below? After all, it's got the most haphazardly-conceived plot we've ever seen in a music video, and that includes this.

So let's break this down. A pair of jailbait girls build a lemonade stand serving poisonous lemonade, located in the middle of nowhere.

Apparently they're onto Trejo's character, who loves carving up kids who fit their exact demographic, but rather than sending the police they enact a plan that requires one of them to dress up like a cheerleader.

Fortunately, they've somehow identified Trejo's commuter schedule, and know what time he comes home from his long day scouring the county for vulnerable teens. So the other girl, a blonde, hitches a ride with him, ostensibly to go use his land line, since she has no cell reception, since it's the middle of nowhere. Along the way, she convinces him to stop for some yummy, barbiturate-filled lemonade.

Before long they're at Trejo's murder den. Pretty scary! But, fortunately, mere miliseconds before he's about to put a crusty rag in her mouth and string her up or whatever, he passes out. And then, because the filmmakers think we're assholes, they cut back to the "reveal" -- ie that the lemonade is spiked -- to clear up that big mystery.

But then the cheerleader shows up, which really is a mystery. Presumably they didn't know where Trejo's lair was, because otherwise they'd have just sent the police, right? So how then does the cheerleader -- who wasn't along for the ride -- know how to get there? Maybe the blonde gave her the (surely complicated) directions over the landline, but that was mere moments ago. Plus, she looks too young to drive.

Anyway, who cares. A bad plot is forgivable, but the worst thing is that the video plays into the worst stereotypes about grizzled old men of color. For its first half you're just praying that a twist lies ahead; that in fact it's the girls who have committed a heinous act and that Trejo will emerge the hero. But no.

Wait, there's more. Maylene and the Sons of Disaster make Christian music.