Toby Keith's "Red Solo Cup": Why This Song Sucks

[Editor's note: Why This Song Sucks determines why particular tracks blow using science. It appears on West Coast Sound every Wednesday.]

See also: If You Don't Like Country Music You're A Blue State Elitist

Song: Toby Keith's "Red Solo Cup"

History: "Red Solo Cup" is the second single from Toby Keith's album, Clancy's Tavern. It is about those plastic red cups people use at parties. The entire song. THE ENTIRE SONG. Those familiar with Matthew 24 in the New International Version of the Bible (1984) understand entirely why this is so troublesome. In case you don't have your Bible handy, here's the passage:

Jesus spitting mad game at the Mount of Olives, son.

Jesus was sitting on the Mount of Olives, the disciples came to him privately. "Tell us," they said, "when will this happen, and what will be the sign of your coming and of the end of the age?"

Jesus answered: "Watch out that no one deceives you. For many will come in my name, claiming, 'I am the Christ,' and will deceive many. You will hear of wars and rumors of wars, but see to it that you are not alarmed. Such things must happen, but the end is still to come. Nation will rise against nation, and kingdom against kingdom. There will be famines and earthquakes in various places. All these are the beginning of birth pains. Oh, also, Toby Keith will make a song about a fucking cup that will wiggle onto Billboard's Top 100. When that happens, yeah, Earth is pretty much done for, bro."

From His mouth comes the word.

Scientific Analysis: Everyone understands that Toby Keith has become the actualization of a truck commercial. But what makes this song invalid is one incorrect assertion. At the end of the first stanza, Keith proclaims, "You, sir, do not have a pair of testicles if you prefer drinking from glass."

This is little more than a stylistic (albeit crude) way of saying that should you require something more substantial than a plastic cup, you are not a man.

ORLY?

Well, you know who disagrees with that statement. Jean Claude Motherfuckin' Van-Damme, that's who.

Check. And mate.