Justin Bieber's "Boyfriend": Why This Song Sucks
[Editor's note: Why This Song Sucks determines why particular tracks blow using science. It appears on West Coast Sound every Wednesday.]
Song: Justin Bieber's "Boyfriend"
Preemptive Note: Before we get into this, and I don't think this is weird to mention because it's so obviously true, but you'll need to turn off your libido when examining this song. Otherwise your data will be for shit because, dudes, Justin Bieber is smoking hot now. I mean, look at him. He's like a non-threatening young Brad Pitt. I guess there's no real way to verify it, but I'm willing to bet that when God finished making him, he was like, "Fuck yeah, bros! Up top!" and then just started giving everyone Delicate One Fives*.
History: "Boyfriend" is the first single from Justin Bieber's upcoming album, Believe. It's just about the worst Justin Timberlake song you'll ever hear.
Atmospherics: Synthetic claps; whistles; plucky guitars; plink-plank-plunk tinkerings.
Scientific Analysis:Justin Bieber is a gem. He's 1,000 percent likeable, even if you've no real reason to like him. And pointing out that a song of his sucks seems some serious post-meta ironic music criticism or whatever. Plus, he's become so famous that he's barely human anymore. Picking at him is like picking at Pepsi or Apple.
Still though, this song is a clear Justin Timberlake rip-off. Bieber uses the same template (spacey beat, begin in a sultry voice, hit some falsetto notes, rap some shit, pepper in a few adlibs) except it lacks the dynamicism and depth that JT had, be it production (I believe "Boyfriend" was produced by the same guys that make beats for the Fresh Beat Band) or songwriting.
It's like Bieber watched a movie Timberlake was in, kind of remembered he had made music at one point, Googled him, downloaded Justified, listened to it, then was like, "Hmmm. This is cool. When did this come out? 2001? Did they even have the Internet in 2001? I bet I could copy this and nobody would even notice. Yep, that's it. ...MOOOOOM! GET THE FUCK IN HERE! I'VE GOT A BRILLIANT IDEA!"
I mean, bros, Timberlake was telling girls he wanted to write them symphonies. Here are some things that get mentioned before the end of the second verse of "Boyfriend": fondue, swaggie (whether this is a variation of the term "swag" or a small dog is never clarified), weather-based metaphors and Buzz motherfucking Lightyear.
HE ACTUALLY SAID HE WANTS TO BE YOUR "BUZZ LIGHTYEAR, FLY ACROSS THE GLOBE."