Why This Song Sucks, TV Show Edition: "Saved By The Bell"

[Editor's note: Why This Song Sucks determines why particular tracks blow using science. It appears on West Coast Sound every Wednesday.]

Song: Saved by the Bell's theme song

History: Saved by the Bell was a TV show that came on in 1989 that everyone loved without reservation because everyone was being sincere about how they felt because they were kids but then everyone grew up and turned into great big obnoxious assholes so now they try and say that, yeah, sure, they loved it but even as a kid they understood it was a bad show and then you have to stand there and listen to them try to intellectualize it while you silently hope a plane falls out of the sky and lands right the fuck on your forehead.

Oh, really, you thought the show presented the idea of bonism (since this is a post about school: look it up) in such an ultra-obvious way that it pushed the program beyond badness and into transcendence, that you always found Zach's antidisestablishmentarianism a tad trite but ultimately poignant? No you didn't, dick. He's Zach Morris, not Che Guevara. You were nine. You thought it was funny that Screech fell down a lot.

Zach Morris: Helped steal Valley's mascot, did not fight during the Cuban Revolution.

Atmospherics: Early morning madness; guitar-lick swagger; what older guys thought that rock and roll sounded like to the youth.

Scientific Analysis: Let us assume that the purpose of this song is to exist as the internal dialogue experienced by a less-than-ideal student on a morning when he wakes up late for school, not as a metaphor for the grander narrative of modern America's sudden moral reclusiveness in the Internet era. There are a few issues with the lyrics. It's short, so let's go line by line:

Well, I wake up in the morning ...

Cool. You're not dead. That's good. That's a good start to your day. Nothing wrong here. Fwd.

And the 'larm gives out a warning ...

Wait. Okay, so, to clarify, you woke up before the alarm clock? I'm a little confused, but whatevs. Everyone's probably woken up a couple of times before the alarm clock has gone off before, though it's likely nobody was ridiculous enough to refer to it as a "'larm" afterwards. It's one letter. Did you really think you were saving a lot of time, asshole? Or, rather, 'sshole?

And I don't think I'll ever make it on time.