Why This Song Sucks: The Karate Kid's "You're The Best"
[Editor's note: Why This Song Sucks determines why particular tracks blow using science. It appears on West Coast Sound every Wednesday.]
See also: We Need a New 'Eye of the Tiger.' Here Are Five Candidates
Song: Joe Esposito's "You're The Best"
History: This is the song they play near the end of The Karate Kid when Daniel LaRusso first starts putting it on those Cobra Kai pussies in the All Valley Karate Championship.
Note: In the interest of scientific accuracy, I'd like to point out that the usage of the term "pussies" is meant to mean "sissies" or "punks," not "vaginas." I thought that might've been confusing because I'm sure Daniel LaRusso put it on some actual vaginas after the tournament. How could he not have? I mean, he's beautiful AND courageous. If I had a vagina, and had I seen him fighting, I'd for certain have let him pu--you know what. Never mind. You get it.
Atmospherics: Gummy worm rock; hyper-affirming guitar licks; narrow, tinkering keyboard taps; tryyourbestian aesthetics.
Scientific Analysis: The redeeming quality of this song is that it was so inspiring, so motivational, that it spurred LaRusso on to great things. Unfortunately, there are about 4,000 things scientifically wrong with this song. Let's go with the two most bizarre. First, a grab from the lyrics. This line:
Fight 'til the end, 'cause your life will depend on the strength you have inside.
?
Ummm, your LIFE will depend on the strength you have inside?
Holy fuck. This karate tournament was way more serious than I think anybody noticed. They were on some Mortal Kombat "If you lose, you die" shit, bro.
My sons are in Tae Kwon Do. I took them to a tournament this past February. You know what happened? Nobody died, that's what the fuck happened. Nobody even told anyone to sweep any legs. THERE WERE ZERO LEGS SWEPT. Instead, I sat there and watched a bunch of morons rotate in and out of what best I could tell was a tickle fight and then they gave a chubby boy a trophy because he cried less than the other kids. 
That one guy was half-right: We are going to need some bodybags.
I WANT THE THREAT OF DEATH HANGING IN THE AIR, All Valley-style, bitches.
Second thing, and nobody really ever mentioned this, but: 
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