Ginuwine's "Pony": Why This Song Sucks

[Editor's note: Why This Song Sucks determines why particular tracks blow using science. It appears on West Coast Sound every Wednesday.]

Song: Ginuwine's "Pony"

History: "Pony" came out in 1996. It was the first single Ginuwine released. It may have revolutionized the way guys behave around women. Also, a lot of people (probably) had sex to it. I didn't. In 10th grade I stopped a makeout session to turn it on, and shortly afterwards the girl got up and left. Maybe it was because Ginuwine started calling his penis a pony, or maybe it was because I came back with my shirt off. Who knows? Girls are a mystery.

Scientific Analysis: The song is straighforward enough: "You're horny," Ginuwine declares, "Let's do it," he continues. "Ride it, my pony*." Also, there's a certain amount of respect that should be paid for his work in race relations. I mean, watch the video. He walks into a White People bar, starts body rolling and floating around the dance floor and then everyone is equal. He's basically Martin Luther King, Jr., except with better abs.

*Were someone to chart the devolution of seduction on a timeline, the "You're horny, let's do it. Ride it, my pony" phrase might represent the exact midpoint between the top and the bottom. It should just never be okay to tell someone to get on your penis. I'm saying, it's only gotten worse since this. It'll likely trend that way until we're all just grunting at each other, right?

Seduction, 1564: Shakespeare, playa made.

Seduction, 1996: Ginuwine, just licking a girl's face, is all.

Seduction, 2042: Me. You. Sex.

At any rate, viscerally, this song is beyond effective, yes. Ginuwine is an R&B sex god. Who can deny that? Scientifically though? Well, there's a reason he's called Ginuwine and not Dr. Elgin Lumpkin**, astrophysicist.

**Elgin Lumpkin is his real name. It is, without question, the least sexiest name of all-time. When I was younger, my Uncle Rick used to think it hyper-hilarious to call me Rumple Foreskin in front of anyone that ever wandered over to my house. Elgin Lumpkin is worse.