All They Do Is Win Try: Kid Basketball Players Talk About Rap Music

For the last couple months, I've run an after school basketball program at a middle school. Much as I'd like to say I Phil Jacksoned 'em into a championship caliber squad, that they've grown from piddly-poop to a run 'n gun offensive juggernaut with impenetrable defense, the truth is that the team -- one athlete and a bushel of big-brained hobby players -- is atrocious.

It's like somebody told them all that the epitome of a basketball possession is staring at the ball while you slap-dribble, peaking up to see which of the four guys shouting your name is closest to you, making an annoyed face at him, then bouncing the ball out of bounds off your own chin.

Only one kid on the team has ever even played organized basketball before (you're really fucking up, America's Dads). They're affable, energetic, endearing young teenagers, but they'll never be on anyone's scouting report.

We've played exactly one game this year; an unofficial matchup against the school's proper basketball team. It was a suicide mission. "We got this, coach," spouted one of our players before tipoff. And for a moment, we did: We scored the game's first two points (holy shit, can this happen, can we beat them?). Then we all watched haplessly as the basketball boys responded with a 40-0 run over the next two quarters (nope).

In any case, prior to a recent practice we talked about what NBA players listen to before games to get pumped up. This turned into a conversation about what our guys will listen to when they make it to play in the Finals. Responses from our six best players:

Player: Superwill

Bio: Superwill is a football god. During a football game this past fall, he literally jumped over another human being en route to a 40 yard run. He is a gifted athlete. High schools fell over themselves trying to persuade him to come to their school. Sadly, it does not translate to the hardwood. He is absolutely devastating as the last man in a 2-2-1 full court press, but that's it. He's our best player.

His Pregame Hype-Up Song: DJ Khaled, "All I Do Is Win"

Why: "I like it. It's, like, my song. All I do is win. That's what I do. You know that, coach."

Why It Works: One, because it's a perfectly appropriate basketball song. Two, I don't imagine life will be too hard for Superwill. Beyond being a living superhero, he's smart (enrolled in Pre-AP classes) and handsome. He's already won quite a bit, and will continue to do so, I imagine.

Why It Doesn't Work: Because a basketball court isn't a football field.