Here Are the Songs They Play at a Middle School Dance

2:16: Victoria de Mexico's "Arrancame el Corazon." This shit needs a Funkmaster Flex bomb sound effect in it ASAP.

2:16:30: BTW, how happy would you be to find out that every time Flex has an orgasm, that bomb sound effect went off? That'd immediately become, like, YOUR FAVORITE THING IN THE WORLD, wouldn't it? God, please let that be true. #FunkmasterFlexOrgasmBomb

2:16:30: Oh, also, here's a curious conundrum: We can all agree that all aspects of life would be about 1,000X better if they were followed with a Funkmaster Flex bomb sound effect, right?

May I please get the number 2 with a Dr. Pepper? [Funkmaster Flex bomb sound effect]

Honey, I'm pregnant. [Funkmaster Flex bomb sound effect]

Sorry to tell you this, but you have stage four cancer. [Funkmaster Flex bomb sound effect]

You know what the only thing that isn't better with bomb sound effect? SONGS. Stop playing that shit in the middle of tracks, Flex.

2:24: And there's LMFAO's "Party Rock Anthem." The DJ accidented his way into a mostly appropriate, relevant song. Things are looking up.

2:26: Christ, several of these kids are shuffling with the intensity of 1,000,000 suns. One of the boys has eyes like Daniel Day Lewis during the "I drink your milkshake" speech from There Will Be Blood. I don't wanna be here when he starts calling kids afterbirths. Time to move around.

2:30: The cafeteria has sectioned itself off into groups, with (what I'd guess were) the popular kids participating in one dance circle, (what I'd guess were) the middle tier kids in another and (what I'd guess were) the lower level scamps standing around the edge of the room eating pickles and looking for an even better place to eat a pickle.

2:38: Ha. For a moment, I thought the DJ, the afternoon's unlikeable antagonist, had managed to actually blend together a few Selena songs. Alas, he's just been playing a premade Selena medley available as a single track (it's actually called "Cumbia Medley"). Cheater.

2:39: BTW, Selena has grown to be an iconic cultural figure since her death in 1995, and that's cool and respectable (and even a little predictable), but back in the early '90s man, she was basically Drake for Mexicans, yo. An example: I, like all of the morons I hung out with, spent a significant portion of my formative years trying to convince people that I was a ruthless, O-Dog-like street tough. It's just what you do when you grow up in a shitty neighborhood. I wore shorts and chanclas with socks pulled up to my knees (an absolutely necessary ensemble for Mexican thugs), had a respectable amount of NBA jerseys (purchased from the flea market like a real playa) and pretended to want to fight anyone that didn't immediately cower at my ballerina-esque frame. Being considered "hard" was something my friends and I actively pursued. But whenever "Bidi Bidi Bom Bom" would come on, fuck you. We were like preteen girls at a pretty, pretty princess slumber party. And you couldn't tell us shit. She was the one artist that transcended gangsterdom. Kids today still like her, but they like her for different reasons than we did. I'll take it though. Cumbiaing all through this bitch right now.

2:47: "Teach Me How to Dougie." Jesus, that unraveled fast.