Mystikal's 'Shake Ya Ass,' featuring Pharrell: Why This Song Sucks

[Editor's note: Why This Song Sucks determines why particular tracks blow using science. It appears on West Coast Sound every Wednesday.]

Song: Mystikal's "Shake Dat Ass," featuring Pharrell

History: "Shake Ya Ass," or "Shake It Fast" for the simps, is a song from Mystikal's Let's Get Ready album (2000). It was featured in several terribly terrible movies, including Juwanna Mann, where a guy dresses up as a woman and plays professional basketball and learns life lessons, Britney Spears's Crossroads, where she gets in a car and learns life lessons, and Hugh Grant's About a Boy, where he tries to procure a prostitute and learns life lessons (or I don't know, I didn't watch this one; that's probably the plot). Most importantly though, it made people at my college think it was OK to walk up to each other and dry-hump like mad, and that's pretty aces. I guess it all cancels each other out.

Incidentally:

No Women Has Ever Unsuccessfully Attempted To Dry-Hump A Man, Is What I'm Saying

Atmospherics: Snaking sly synths; jungle snares; Pharrellian falsettos.

Scientific Analysis: While most can appreciate "Shake Ya Ass's" byzantine ability to warble morality (matched in 1999/2000 only by Juvenile's "Back That Azz Up," or "Back That Thang Up" for the simps), and while some can appreciate its profound reductionism (he surmises the entirety of the human condition in three character traits), the song is, ultimately, scientifically invalid. Let's start with that cornerstone of modern science, the Venn diagram.

Character Traits

Here's the first line:

"Came here with my dick in my hand."

Hey, whoa. Come on, Mystikal. Your dick? That's what you brought to the party? Not some wine, not a nice seven layer dip? Your dick?

"Nastier than a full grown German Shepherd."

Dog slander? What's even happening right now?