Aerosmith's "I Don't Wanna Miss a Thing": Why This Song Sucks
[Editor's note: Why This Song Sucks determines why particular tracks blow using science. It appears on West Coast Sound every Wednesday.]
Song: Aerosmith's "I Don't Wanna Miss A Thing"
History: "I Don't Wanna Miss A Thing" is from 1998's Armageddon, a movie that was basically Armageddon for your eyeballs. So I guess that it makes sense that this song is Armageddon for your ear holes.
(But for real, let's not pretend like we all weren't thisclose to crying when Ben Affleck was screaming at Bruce Willis at the end of the movie after he tricked him into letting him take his spot on the asteroid.)
(Oh, also, if you managed to watch this movie and fail to make an "I have been drilling holes in the Earth for 30 years and have never, NEVER, missed a depth that I have aimed for" sex joke, well then aren't you just special.)
Atmospherics: Orchestratic tomfoolery; like if they sold emotions in a box at Target; like if someone said, "I want it to sound like what a really corny wedding would sound like in, like, the poor part of heaven where all of the angels are sort of dirty looking and just generally unkempt. Can you do that?" And someone else was like, "I can do exactly that, yes."
Scientific Analysis: Aerosmith is, in no uncertain terms, among the more important rock bands of all time. Their career has spanned more than 1,400 years, back to the Mesozoic era when the dinocrocs and supergators roamed the supercontinent Pangaea. (I'm not certain how many inaccuracies are in this sentence, I just know it's more than a few.) But with that girth comes gout, and that's probably the best way to describe "I Don't Wanna Miss A Thing."
The song is tragic misgiving, a souless (and successful, obvs) marketization of Steven Tyler's rocker howl. Musicians sell out, sure, that's cool, but Aerosmith going from "Dream On" (or even "Amazing") to "I Don't Wanna Miss A Thing" is only slightly less egregious than Abraham Lincoln going from freeing slaves to fighting vampires. It's just too big of a jump not to shake science's Yeah Fucking Right barometer.