Why I'll Never Go To Burning Man
Flickr: Tanais If you squint you can see me nowhere in this picture
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It's about that time of the year again, when IT department heads and quality control experts shake off the shackles of their workaday lives, drop acid and hopefully get busy with multiple, anonymous partners. That's right kids, Monday brings us the Grand Poobah of all summer festivals, Burning Man, known as "The Burn" by the attending pungent throngs.
I've never been to Burning Man, and you know what? I never will go. That's because I've got friends who attend regularly, and they unwittingly make it sound awful. I even know someone who was at the first year's event on Baker Beach in San Francisco.
Flickr: Mark Iverson Bet it smells good in there
The truth is, it sounded like it was awesome and interesting 20 years ago. These days, however, it's a bit more like Huey Lewis playing a casino show. You can't even bring fireworks or drive over 5 mph. Some Bacchanalian ritual.
I know, I know. "If you've never been you can't judge, maaan." Here's the deal, though: No one actually believes you have to experience something to dislike it. If they did, they'd be hitting up ICP and Ke$ha concerts just to make sure it wasn't their thing. I only need to be a grown-ass man with a sense of pattern recognition to know Burning Man sucks. It's middle-class people behaving embarrassingly. The tales of spiritual enlightenment gained after six hours of dancing on ecstasy are as hard to hear as they are dubious. If I ever have to hear a story about how amazing a fire twirler was, I might actually light myself on fire.