Cher Lloyd's 'Want U Back': Why This Song Sucks

Cher Lloyd's "Want U Back": Why This Song Sucks

By Shea Serrano Wed., Aug. 8 2012 at 4:30 AM

[Editor's note: Why This Song Sucks determines why particular tracks blow using science. It appears on West Coast Sound every Wednesday.]

Song: Cher Lloyd's "I Want You Back"

History: "I Want You Back" is the debut song from Cher Lloyd's Sticks + Stones. It's basically like if the Karmin Covers lady tried to pretend like she wasn't the Karmin Covers lady. Actually, Lloyd got famous singing covers too, so that's something. She was on the Euro version of X Factor. Or, I guess they call it X Factor? I'm not certain. Do they have X's in Europe? I know they have I's and V's and A's and N's and D's and R's and G's and O's, but I'm not sure about X's. I mean, Christ, they only made one Rocky movie where he went to Europe so how would I know? I'm not a Europeologist. As you'll see below:

Atmospherics: Cheery popism; "doom-doom-tap"s; like if a Blowpop was a song instead of a Blowpop. Oh, also, she gives a hard grunt every sixteen counts, which seems like it'd be a fun idea until you get to the fourth grunt and then you're like, "HOLY CRAP SHE'S GOING TO DO THIS FOR THE WHOLE SONG. I WISH I'D BEEN BORN WITH SIX ARMS SO I COULD HAVE SIX HANDS SO I COULD PULL MY EARS, EYES, NOSE AND HAIR OUT OF MY FUCKING HEAD ALL AT ONCE."

Scientific Analysis: Making synth-pop music seems like it should be easy. You take some progressive chords, string them together, maybe add a few tinks or tonks or hand claps, put on some weird clothes, then shout something into a microphone about being in (or falling out of) love or like or lust or something else that doesn't even have to start with an L. Calvin Harris is pretty great at it. La Roux's pretty good at it. And so on.

But it's a deceptive process. Little things can mess it up easily. Stretch things or bunch things up, sound too excited or drone even a bit and everything comes unraveled. Think on it like clapping; it's simple enough idea, but sometimes that shit just doesn't work out right. The below diagram pretty well sums it up.

Tags:

Cher Lloyd, Why This Song Sucks

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Steel

What kind of an idiot doesn't know they have the latter 'X' in Europe. English comes from England, which is where Cher Lloyd is from!!! I didn't read the rest, because you are too stupid to take seriously.

whocares

@Steel The "Latter X" or the "Letter X"?

deena

X-factor started in UK before Simon Cowell decided to bring it to America. So i guess they had their D's and P's or whatever alphabet you wanna call it before you even know of the X-factor!

Yvonne_Bell

I NEVER comment, but you people (as in follow commenters) take things WAY too seriously. For real. The writers of this blog don't like what you like? OMG have a conniption fit and threaten them with violence! Start your own goddamn blog, instead of bitching at them. If you can't see the humor in the "Why This Song Sucks" series, then you have bigger problems then a few people not kissing the ass of artists you like.

GODDAMN.

mariadioguardi

Unprofessional much?

xmissymaex

I'm going to take a wild guess and say that you're one of those people who hates anything that has to do with pop music/is mainstream and will therefore bash anything like it.

dualpot

@xmissymaex I actually like Pop Music a little bit, like Call Me Maybe, that's a well put catchy tune. But this trashy hoe fucking sucks ass at singing and makes me want to punch her ugly ass in the face. Everytime she grunts I wanna throw a fucking cinderblock at her. She can't even get her synth right. In short, this bitch tries too hard

berdiele

1 Like

Hey asshole I can tell you obviously don't know anything about Europe because you obviously don't know anything about good music. Cher Lloyd is a beautiful and talented women and excuse her for trying to do something unique compared to all the boring pop out today. She has created one of the catchiest, coolest songs I've ever heard. Most singers don't have as much talent as Cher has in her pinky. In conclusion, don't mess with Cher or her fans because we will take your ass out!